Preiksha Jain | Mindfulsome

If no-one is telling you this at 18… I will.

Preiksha Jain — Fri, 10 Apr 2026 12:58:57 +0000

At 18, it does not take much to feel like something meaningful has begun.
A little attention, a few thoughtful messages, and someone who seems to understand you can feel like the beginning of something real.

But this is also the stage where many young women confuse feeling seen with being valued, and being chosen with being respected.

Before you go any further, there are a few things you need to understand clearly.

1. Attention and intention are not the same thing

Someone giving you attention does not automatically mean they have serious intentions toward you.

It is important to distinguish between:

Momentary effort, where someone shows interest when it suits them, and
Consistent intention, where their actions reflect stability, clarity, and genuine interest over time.

Do not rely only on what is being said to you. Pay close attention to patterns of behaviour.

Some of the patterns to be wary of are:

He talks only at night; mostly when he is alone or by himself.
He pays attention selectively, just enough to impress you.
He shares a great deal about himself quickly creating a false sense of closeness.
He love-bombs you, talks about future pretty early, makes promises that don’t match his present behaviour.
He stays in touch for a few days and then disappears without informing you. And then comes back, mostly because he is lonely.
He steers conversations towards intimacy quickly without waiting to build the real connection.
He listens, but forgets or doesn’t follow through on things that matter to you– like forgetting about doctor’s appointment, or not asking how your event went, or no questions about your friends date.
He gives compliments but avoids taking responsibility when it actually matters.

2. Emotional attachment builds faster than you realise

Attachment does not arrive all at once. It develops gradually and often without your awareness.

You may notice yourself:

Responding to messages more quickly than usual
Waiting for their replies and feeling affected by delays
Thinking about them more frequently than you intended

These shifts may feel harmless, but they indicate that you are beginning to invest emotionally.

As attachment deepens, it often starts showing up in quieter, more subtle ways:

You begin to check your phone more often than necessary, even when there is no notification.
Your mood starts shifting based on how they respond to you—whether they are warm, distant, or unavailable.
You start prioritising conversations with them over your usual routines, even if it disrupts your day.
You feel a sense of relief when they text, and a sense of unease when they do not.
You begin to overthink small changes in their behaviour, trying to understand what went wrong.
You hesitate to express your needs or discomfort, because you do not want to “ruin” the connection.
You start adjusting your words, tone, or availability to keep their interest.
You feel the need to stay emotionally available to them, even when they are inconsistent with you.
You begin to imagine a future or a deeper connection, even though the present is still unclear.
You overlook things that would normally bother you, simply because you do not want to lose them.
You find yourself seeking reassurance—either directly or indirectly—about how they feel about you.

These signs are not a problem in themselves. They simply indicate that you are beginning to form an emotional bond. It is important to recognise this early, before your sense of emotional balance starts depending on another person.

3. Words can feel sincere without being meaningful

Many people are capable of expressing themselves well. They may sound genuine, thoughtful, and emotionally aware.

However, it is essential to understand that:

Well-spoken words do not always reflect true intentions
Emotional expression is not the same as emotional responsibility

Instead of focusing only on what is said, observe whether their actions consistently support their words.

Some common patterns to notice:

He says he cares about you, but is not present when you actually need support.
He expresses how much you matter to him, but does not make consistent time for you.
He speaks about a future with you, but avoids clarity in the present.
He apologises when things go wrong, but repeats the same behaviour without change.
He communicates deeply in conversations, but disappears when it comes to real effort.
He understands your feelings in the moment, but does not adjust his behaviour moving forward.
He makes you feel heard, but not prioritised.
He says all the right things during emotional moments, but does not follow through in practical ways.
He reassures you with words, but his actions continue to create the same confusion.
He expresses vulnerability, but avoids accountability.

Over time, this creates a disconnect between what you hear and what you experience.

And that confusion can make you question yourself instead of questioning the situation.

4. You are not required to give immediate access to your life

Interest from another person does not mean you need to make space for them immediately.

You are allowed to:

Take your time before sharing personal details
Maintain your existing routines and priorities
Respond at your own pace without feeling pressured

Be mindful if:

They expect constant availability early on
They push for personal details before trust is built
They get uncomfortable when you take time for yourself
They make you feel guilty for not responding quickly

Access should be earned gradually, not given instantly.

Healthy connections are not built through urgency. They are built through clarity and time.

5. Learn to observe patterns, not isolated moments

Isolated moments can be misleading. A person may show effort occasionally, but what truly matters is consistency.

Pay attention to:

Whether their behaviour remains steady over time
Whether they show up only when convenient or when it genuinely matters
Whether their effort increases, decreases, or stays the same

Also notice the gaps between moments:

Do they disappear after intense conversations?
Do they return only when they feel like it?
Do their actions match their words consistently, or only occasionally?

One good conversation does not define a person.
One thoughtful gesture does not establish intention.

Patterns reveal character. Moments create impressions.

6. Boundaries do not push the right people away

There is a common fear that setting boundaries will cause someone to lose interest.

In reality:

Boundaries help you understand who is genuinely interested in you
They filter out people who are only looking for easy access

You may notice that when you:

Take longer to respond
Say no to something you are not comfortable with
Prioritise your own time and space

Some people will become distant. That distance is not rejection. It is information.

If someone is only interested when things are easy, immediate, and on their terms, they are not interested in you—they are interested in access.

The right person will not be threatened by your boundaries. They will adjust to them.

7. Being chosen is not the goal

At 18, it is easy to believe that being chosen by someone validates your worth.

However, the more important questions are:

Are you choosing wisely?
Are you paying attention to what you are stepping into?
Are you staying grounded in yourself while getting to know someone?

Being chosen can feel exciting, but it is not enough.

You need to ask:

What kind of person is choosing me?
How do they treat me over time?
Do I feel stable around them, or constantly unsure?

Your sense of self should not become dependent on whether someone else chooses you.

Clarity in your choices matters more than being chosen by someone else.

Closing thought

Not every young woman receives guidance at the right time.
Not every girl is taught how to recognise the difference between attention and intention.

If no one has told you this before, understand it now:

You do not need to rush into anything that feels good. You are allowed to slow down, observe, and protect your space. Clarity will always serve you better than urgency.

Dear 18-19 Year Olds, Please stop building your lives around being chosen.

Preiksha Jain — Fri, 10 Apr 2026 12:14:56 +0000

Originally published on Medium

Dear 18–19 year old girls: please don’t build your life around being chosen.

You’re not “too young to know better.” You’re young enough to be targeted — by romance, by manipulation, by loneliness, by the “good guy” who says the right things.

And I’m writing this without moral panic, without shame, without the usual “don’t talk to boys” nonsense.

I’m writing this because I’ve seen how easily love becomes the center of a girl’s universe — and how often the world rewards that softness with exploitation.

1) Romance isn’t a plan. It’s an experience.

At 18–19, love feels like a direction. Like a destiny. Like a plot.

But love doesn’t replace:

financial independence
education
a skill
a career path
emotional regulation
self-respect

A person can love you and still fail you. A person can adore you and still control you. A person can promise marriage and still become your cage.

Love doesn’t automatically translate into safety.

2) “He wants me” is not the same as “He respects me.”

A lot of girls confuse attention with value because they’ve never been taught to measure anything else.

A man can want you badly and still:

mock your boundaries
pressure you sexually
isolate you from friends
“joke” about your insecurities
call you dramatic when you react
love the idea of you more than your reality

Respect looks boring at first. It looks like consistency. Patience. Accountability. And most importantly: your “no” is not negotiated.

3) If your identity becomes “girlfriend / future wife,” you lose leverage.

This is harsh, but it’s true. When your main dream becomes:

honeymoon
marriage
being “the perfect partner”
“wifely” devotion
pleasing, serving, proving

…you slowly hand over your power.

Not because love is wrong. But because a woman without her own direction is easy to control.

And control doesn’t always show up as violence. Sometimes it shows up as:

“I don’t like your friends”
“why do you need a job if I’ll take care of you?”
“don’t post that”
“show me your phone”
“if you love me, you’ll…”

You start waking up thinking about him.
You plan your day around when he’ll call.
Your mood depends on whether he replied.
Your studies feel secondary.
Your friendships feel optional.

He didn’t force you.

You rearranged your life yourself.

That’s how dependency forms — quietly.

4) Your life should expand after love enters it. Not shrink.

Here are two simple questions that save lives:

Since I met this person, have I grown — or have I disappeared?
Do I feel safer — or do I feel more anxious?

If your world is shrinking:

fewer friends
less confidence
more secrecy
more fear of upsetting them
more “I’ll fix it by being better”

That isn’t romance. That is conditioning.

5) Online love can feel intense because it’s fast, constant, and curated.

When someone is “always there” on calls and texts, it creates artificial intimacy. But intimacy without time is just speed.

And speed is how people bypass your instincts.

If someone tries to escalate quickly:

“I love you” too soon
marriage talk too soon
sexual pressure too soon
“we are meant to be” too soon

Pause.

He says,
“If you love me, send me something private. I’ll delete it.”

You hesitate.

He says,
“So you don’t trust me?”

Manipulation always reframes your boundary as betrayal. Genuine love can tolerate time. Manipulation hates time.

6) Here’s the part nobody teaches you: softness needs structure.

You can be romantic. You can be dreamy. You can want love.

Just don’t be unarmed.

Structure looks like:

finishing your education
building a skill that pays you
having your own money
having your own friends
having your own routines
having your own goals that don’t include anyone else

A woman with structure can love freely — because she can also leave freely.

7) Practical rules I wish every 18–19 year old girl followed

Save these. Seriously.

Don’t hide a relationship that’s “pure love.” If you have to hide it, ask why.
Never send money. Not once. Not “emergency.” Not “proof of love.”
Don’t share private photos with anyone you wouldn’t trust in court.
Meet in public places. Always.
Keep your best friend in the loop. Secrecy is where danger grows.
If you feel fear, listen. Your body notices what your mind tries to romanticize.
If someone punishes your boundaries, they are not safe.
Love that costs your self-respect is not love.

8) The truth: you deserve love that meets you at your level.

Not love that consumes you. Not love that needs you smaller.

You deserve love that respects your ambition, not competes with it. Love that doesn’t treat your dreams as “cute.” Love that doesn’t require you to abandon yourself.

And until you find it?

Build your life so well that love becomes an addition — not your entire identity.

Because being chosen is not the goal.

Being free is.

How Do You Know When You’ve Truly Healed From Something That Once Broke You?

Preiksha Jain — Thu, 09 Oct 2025 12:19:22 +0000

Originally published on Quora.

Healing. We hear the word so often — heal from heartbreak, heal from trauma, heal from loss — but if you’ve been through it, you know it’s never that straightforward. You don’t wake up one morning, stretch, and think, Great, I’m healed now. It’s not a switch that flips. It’s a journey, one that’s frustrating, uneven, and deeply personal.

And yet, people still ask me this all the time: How do I know if I’ve truly healed?

The truth? Healing doesn’t come with fireworks. It’s not loud. It doesn’t hand you a certificate. Instead, it creeps in quietly, in ways you don’t expect. The trick is to notice it.

Why Healing Feels So Hard to Define

When you’re in pain, everything feels like it belongs to that hurt. Songs remind you of them. Streets feel heavy with memory. Even random conversations can trigger the ache. You keep replaying the story, imagining how it could have ended differently, wishing you had done or said something else.

This is why healing feels so slippery. You expect it to feel like forgetting — like one day you’ll just stop caring. But that’s not how the heart works. Healing isn’t about deleting memories; it’s about changing your relationship with them.

You don’t forget. You stop bleeding.

The Subtle Signs You’re Healing

Healing rarely feels like “I’m healed.” It feels more like noticing shifts in yourself over time. Small moments that, strung together, show you just how far you’ve come.

The story stops looping. You no longer spend hours replaying the same scenes in your head, trying to rewrite the ending.
Your worth feels separate. You stop tying your value to what they thought of you, or to what happened in that season of your life.
You can talk about it without shaking. The memory might sting, but it no longer breaks you down.
You don’t need to numb. The urge to escape with distractions, substances, or denial slowly loses its grip.
You remember differently. The memory shifts from being the whole book to just one chapter. It still exists, but it doesn’t define the story of you.

And maybe the quietest sign of all: you stop feeling the need to prove that you’re healed — not to yourself, not to anyone else. You just are.

Healing Is Not Linear

Here’s something important: healing will not feel like a straight, upward line. You’ll have good days where you feel free, followed by bad days where you feel like you’re back at square one. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. That’s exactly how healing works.

Think about it like this: a physical wound itches when it heals. It looks worse before it looks better. Sometimes you even knock the scab off by mistake and it bleeds again. But that doesn’t mean your body isn’t doing the work. Emotional healing is the same. Every setback is still part of the process.

Healing Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

One of the biggest myths about healing is that it means you’ll forget the person, or the event, or the season that hurt you. That’s not true. Healing doesn’t erase — it reframes.

It’s when the wound becomes a scar. Still there. Still a part of you. But no longer raw, no longer dictating your every move. A scar tells you, Yes, I’ve been hurt. But I’ve also survived.

Choosing Healing Every Day

Time is a powerful part of healing — but time alone isn’t enough. You also need intention. Healing is about the choices you make along the way:

To face the pain instead of running from it.
To let yourself grieve without shame.
To talk about it instead of bottling it.
To rebuild your routines even when you don’t feel like it.
To choose kindness toward yourself when the old voices of blame try to creep back in.

Healing is not about becoming a new person overnight. It’s about choosing, in small ways every single day, not to let the old wound control your present.

The Day You’ll Know

Here’s the truth: you won’t know the exact moment you’ve healed. There won’t be a grand announcement. But one day, you’ll notice something small — a song won’t sting anymore, a memory won’t derail your entire day, you’ll laugh genuinely without guilt.

That’s when you’ll realize: the thing that once broke you doesn’t own you anymore. It’s part of your story, but it no longer writes your story.

Final Thoughts

So, how do you know when you’ve truly healed? You know it when your past no longer feels like your prison. You know it when you can remember without being pulled back into the same pain. You know it when you stop asking, “Am I healed yet?” and simply start living.

Healing isn’t loud. It’s not glamorous. It’s not quick. But it is real. And when it comes, it will not just patch you up — it will reshape you into someone wiser, stronger, and more capable of love than you ever thought possible.