Dear 18–19 year old girls: please don’t build your life around being chosen.

You’re not “too young to know better.” You’re young enough to be targeted — by romance, by manipulation, by loneliness, by the “good guy” who says the right things.

And I’m writing this without moral panic, without shame, without the usual “don’t talk to boys” nonsense.

I’m writing this because I’ve seen how easily love becomes the center of a girl’s universe — and how often the world rewards that softness with exploitation.

1) Romance isn’t a plan. It’s an experience.

At 18–19, love feels like a direction. Like a destiny. Like a plot.

But love doesn’t replace:

• financial independence
• education
• a skill
• a career path
• emotional regulation
• self-respect

A person can love you and still fail you. A person can adore you and still control you. A person can promise marriage and still become your cage.

Love doesn’t automatically translate into safety.

2) “He wants me” is not the same as “He respects me.”

A lot of girls confuse attention with value because they’ve never been taught to measure anything else.

A man can want you badly and still:

• mock your boundaries
• pressure you sexually
• isolate you from friends
• “joke” about your insecurities
• call you dramatic when you react
• love the idea of you more than your reality

Respect looks boring at first. It looks like consistency. Patience. Accountability. And most importantly: your “no” is not negotiated.

3) If your identity becomes “girlfriend / future wife,” you lose leverage.

This is harsh, but it’s true. When your main dream becomes:

• honeymoon
• marriage
• being “the perfect partner”
• “wifely” devotion
• pleasing, serving, proving

…you slowly hand over your power.

Not because love is wrong. But because a woman without her own direction is easy to control.

And control doesn’t always show up as violence. Sometimes it shows up as:

• “I don’t like your friends”
• “why do you need a job if I’ll take care of you?”
• “don’t post that”
• “show me your phone”
• “if you love me, you’ll…”

You start waking up thinking about him.
You plan your day around when he’ll call.
Your mood depends on whether he replied.
Your studies feel secondary.
Your friendships feel optional.

He didn’t force you.

You rearranged your life yourself.

That’s how dependency forms — quietly.

4) Your life should expand after love enters it. Not shrink.

Here are two simple questions that save lives:

Since I met this person, have I grown — or have I disappeared?
Do I feel safer — or do I feel more anxious?

If your world is shrinking:

• fewer friends
• less confidence
• more secrecy
• more fear of upsetting them
• more “I’ll fix it by being better”

That isn’t romance. That is conditioning.

5) Online love can feel intense because it’s fast, constant, and curated.

When someone is “always there” on calls and texts, it creates artificial intimacy. But intimacy without time is just speed.

And speed is how people bypass your instincts.

If someone tries to escalate quickly:

• “I love you” too soon
• marriage talk too soon
• sexual pressure too soon
• “we are meant to be” too soon

Pause.

He says,
“If you love me, send me something private. I’ll delete it.”

You hesitate.

He says,
“So you don’t trust me?”

Manipulation always reframes your boundary as betrayal. Genuine love can tolerate time. Manipulation hates time.

6) Here’s the part nobody teaches you: softness needs structure.

You can be romantic. You can be dreamy. You can want love.

Just don’t be unarmed.

Structure looks like:

• finishing your education
• building a skill that pays you
• having your own money
• having your own friends
• having your own routines
• having your own goals that don’t include anyone else

A woman with structure can love freely — because she can also leave freely.

7) Practical rules I wish every 18–19 year old girl followed

Save these. Seriously.

1. Don’t hide a relationship that’s “pure love.” If you have to hide it, ask why.
2. Never send money. Not once. Not “emergency.” Not “proof of love.”
3. Don’t share private photos with anyone you wouldn’t trust in court.
4. Meet in public places. Always.
5. Keep your best friend in the loop. Secrecy is where danger grows.
6. If you feel fear, listen. Your body notices what your mind tries to romanticize.
7. If someone punishes your boundaries, they are not safe.
8. Love that costs your self-respect is not love.

8) The truth: you deserve love that meets you at your level.

Not love that consumes you. Not love that needs you smaller.

You deserve love that respects your ambition, not competes with it. Love that doesn’t treat your dreams as “cute.” Love that doesn’t require you to abandon yourself.

And until you find it?

Build your life so well that love becomes an addition — not your entire identity.

Because being chosen is not the goal.

Being free is.

Originally published on Medium.

For generations, women were told that marriage survives only when the woman submits. Not gently, not willingly — but completely. Submission meant silence, endurance, and carrying the emotional weight of the home without pause. It meant adjusting to the husband’s moods, tolerating disrespect, balancing everyone’s comfort above her own, and being the invisible spine of a family that rarely acknowledged her exhaustion.

This version of the submission wasn’t loved.
It wasn’t respect.
It wasn’t a partnership.

It was survival.

And today’s women know that survival is not the same as happiness.

It’s time to redefine submission in a way that honours women, strengthens marriages, and builds healthier families.

What Submission Never Was (Though We Were Told It Was Everything)

Most of us grew up seeing women submit in ways that broke them quietly:

• accepting yelling as “his stress”
• apologising for things they never did
• tiptoeing around his mood
• doing both partners’ responsibilities
• overlooking disrespect because “pati parmeshwar”
• adjusting their entire personality to keep the peace
• raising kids alone while he “provides”

Submission was treated as a wife’s duty, not a husband’s responsibility.

But none of this is submission.
This is a woman disappearing inside her own marriage.

A marriage built on fear, silence, or emotional imbalance is not a marriage — it is an endurance test.

Why This Version Failed Women (And Families Too)

1. It demanded women to shrink.

Their needs, voices, and identities were secondary. Their boundaries didn’t matter.

2. It excused men from emotional labour.

His anger was normal. Her feelings were “too much.”

3. It made women the emotional regulators of the entire house.

She adjusted. She soothed. She softened. She carried everyone’s moods.

4. It disguised neglect as tradition.

We were told this is what makes a “good wife.”

But good wives were burning out.
And good men were never taught how to truly love.

So Then — What Is Submission? Here’s the Redefined, Healthy Version

Healthy submission is not silence.
It’s not obedience.
It’s not fear.

Submission is a response — not a requirement.

A woman naturally leans into her partner when she feels safe, heard, and valued.
When she knows he is emotionally present.
When she trusts his decisions because he includes her voice.
When his leadership is not dominant, but responsible.

Submission becomes softness only when the environment is safe.

A woman submits when she:

• trusts his emotional maturity
• feels protected, not controlled
• knows her voice matters
• sees him showing up as a partner
• feels included in decisions
• knows he won’t weaponise anger or silence
• can put her guard down without fear
• gets support instead of judgment

Submission is not a woman losing power.
It is a woman resting because she finally feels safe.

A Man’s Role: If He Wants Her to Lean In, He Must Stand Up

Healthy submission is never one-sided.

Men submit too — not by losing dignity, but by opening themselves to partnership.

A man’s submission looks like:

• asking for her input
• trusting her intuition
• softening his ego
• sharing the household load
• co-parenting actively
• handling his own emotions
• apologising when needed
• communicating with clarity
• including her in decisions
• letting her lead where she’s strong

This is mutual submission — a dance, not a hierarchy.

“No woman can submit to a man she has to raise.”

If she feels like his mother, the partnership collapses.
If he steps up as a partner, submission becomes a natural, safe dynamic.

Let’s Talk About Safety — Because Submission Cannot Exist Without It

Submission is impossible when a woman is:

• scared of his anger
• unsure how he’ll react
• carrying all the responsibilities
• expected to adjust endlessly
• managing his moods
• suppressing her needs
• shrinking to avoid conflict
• exhausted beyond repair

If she cannot breathe in her own home, she cannot submit.
If she must brace herself before speaking, she cannot submit.

Submission is not captivity.
It’s not fear.
It’s not a sacrifice of self.

It is a soft leaning-in that comes from trust.

What Submission Looks Like in a Healthy Marriage

1. Shared Responsibility

Hosting guests, planning trips, parenting decisions — everything becomes teamwork.

2. Equal Voice

Her voice matters as much as his, even if their roles differ.

3. Calm, Mature Communication

No yelling.
No door slamming.
No silencing.
Hard conversations happen — but with respect.

4. Emotional Presence

He doesn’t shut down.
She doesn’t walk on eggshells.
They face things together.

5. Trust-Based Leadership

He leads where he is strong, without dismissing her strengths.
She follows when she feels safe — not coerced.

6. Softness

Submission feels like rest, not restriction.

It feels like breathing, not holding your breath.

Why Redefining Submission Matters for Modern Couples

Because women today are done with surviving.
They want connection, not duty.
Partnership, not burden.
Respect, not fear.

And men deserve better, too, because a man who learns emotional maturity becomes a better partner, father, and human being.

Healthy submission:

• deepens intimacy
• builds emotional safety
• strengthens parenting
• reduces resentment
• creates stability
• honours both partners
• ends generational trauma
• teaches children what love looks like

We are rewriting what our mothers never got to rewrite.

A New Story of Submission — For You, For Us, For Our Daughters

Submission was never meant to break women.
It was meant to build connection.

The old version failed women.
The new version empowers them.

A woman submits not because she is weaker —
But because she is safe.

Not because she has no voice —
But because her voice is respected.

Not because she must —
But because she chooses to trust.

This is the submission our generation deserves.
This is the marriage our daughters deserve to see.

If You Found This Helpful…

Share it on Instagram, send it to a friend, or talk about it with your partner.
And if you want guidance on building emotional safety, mutual respect, or healthy communication in your relationship, you can always reach me on Mindfulsome for sessions, clarity, and support.

We use the word “love” so often that it almost loses its meaning. We say we love a person, a song, a meal, a memory — and somewhere along the way, we stop asking what love actually is. What does it truly mean to love and to be loved?

The older I grow, the more I realise that understanding love begins not with defining what it is, but with identifying what it is not. Because much of what we call love often stems from fear, attachment, validation, or habit. It may look like love, feel like love, and even sound like love, but it isn’t.

What Love Is Not

1. Anything that becomes an unhealthy obsession is not love.
When you lose yourself trying to hold onto someone, when your days revolve entirely around how they make you feel or how much attention they give you, that isn’t love — that’s dependence.

2. What doesn’t feel reciprocated is not love.
If you’re the only one trying, apologising, or saving the relationship, it’s not love. Love can’t survive on one person’s effort; it requires two people choosing each other, every day.

3. What doesn’t add to your life — emotionally, mentally, or spiritually — is not love.
If the relationship drains you more than it nourishes you, if it breaks your confidence, your peace, and your spirit, it’s not love.

4. What makes you beg for crumbs of attention, affection, or intimacy is not love.
Love isn’t about earning someone’s presence. It’s about being met halfway — with care, with intention, and with respect.

5. Anything that turns you into a worse version of yourself is not love.
Love should help you become kinder, more patient, and more whole — not bitter, insecure, or anxious.

6. Anything that makes you forsake your well-wishers, your individuality, or your inner peace is not love.
It is control, manipulation, or attachment disguised as devotion.

7. A relationship that suffocates you, silences you, or makes you feel small is not love.
It may once have been passionate or exciting, but if it now leaves you walking on eggshells, it’s no longer love — it’s fear.

8. Anything that forces you to betray yourself, your needs, or your self-respect is not love.

What Love Truly Is

Love, in its truest form, makes you a better person. It inspires growth without demanding change. It brings peace without dulling passion. It encourages you to explore your individuality while still belonging to something shared and sacred.

Love makes you feel loved, respected, and wanted. It makes you feel safe — emotionally, mentally, and physically. It doesn’t confuse you or leave you guessing. Instead, it offers stability, calm, and clarity.

In real love, there is room for both “you” and “us.” It allows space for individuality without guilt, boundaries without fear, and silence without distance. There’s mutual effort, honest communication, and mindful repair after every disagreement.

True love doesn’t mean the absence of conflict — it means the presence of care. You may argue, but you won’t destroy each other in the process. You may differ, but you’ll still hold space for each other’s truth.

When there is true love, there’s no constant self-doubt, no emotional chaos, and no power struggle. There’s trust, consistency, and peace. There’s effort that feels natural — not forced.

Love is not about grand gestures; it’s about daily respect. It’s not about butterflies; it’s about balance. It’s not about losing yourself; it’s about finding yourself again, this time more whole, more grounded, and more alive.

Redefining Love

Maybe it’s time we stop romanticising the kind of love that hurts, confuses, or consumes us. Maybe it’s time we stop mistaking attachment for depth, and chaos for chemistry.

Because love — real love — doesn’t demand that you give up your self-respect to keep the peace. It doesn’t make you choose between your heart and your dignity. It doesn’t drain your energy; it refuels it.

True love makes you feel more at home within yourself. It allows you to breathe easier, laugh louder, and live better.

So, if something doesn’t bring peace, stability, and security into your life, it’s not love — no matter how much you want it to be.

Love, when it’s right, won’t make you question yourself. It will remind you of who you are.

If you’re here, chances are you’re carrying that ache—the one that doesn’t leave you when you smile in public, work all day, or keep yourself busy with a hundred distractions.

Let’s be honest: heartbreak feels impossible. And no, it’s not just you. Almost everyone who has ever loved deeply has felt this weight.

You might wonder: Why is it so hard? Why can’t I just get over it like people say?

Think of it this way. If a window breaks, you can buy a new one. If your clothes are dirty, you can wash or replace them. If a baby cries, eventually they can be soothed. But when the heart breaks—there is no store to buy a new one from, no quick wash cycle, no shortcut. And that is why it feels so unbearable.

The Truth You Don’t Want to Hear (But Need To)

Here’s something I need to tell you: there is no shortcut to healing. And I know that’s not what you want to hear. Because what you want is the one thing no one can give you right now—relief.

So you reach for distractions. Drinking, smoking, hookups, endless scrolling, keeping yourself so busy you can’t think. And maybe they work for a night, a week, even a month. But deep down you know—it’s still there, waiting.

Then you try the “healthy” distractions. Gym, journaling, self-help books, podcasts, working on yourself. And these are good—but even these cannot be the only answer. Because heartbreak is not a problem to solve. It is an experience to go through.

Why It Feels Like a Battle

Healing is hard because it is a fight between two parts of you. The part of you that wants to hold on—because the love was real, the memories mattered, and you don’t want to erase them. And the part of you that knows you need to let go—because holding on is bleeding you dry.

Both are valid. Both are human. And both take time to settle into peace.

What Actually Heals

So what really works? Not magic. Not shortcuts. Just time + intention.

Time softens the pain, but intention guides it. Without time, you can’t move forward. Without intention, you get stuck. Healing happens when you let yourself grieve and slowly make choices that align with life, not with loss.

That might look like:

• Allowing yourself to cry without shame. Whether in front of others or in the shower, in a pub after getting drunk or alone in your room– choose your way to cope with it and heal. Because bottling everything in is going to cost you more of your sanity.

• Talking it out with people you trust, and who, you know, will support you, no matter what. Perhaps, they won’t always put up with your delusional ideas of love and they may even tell you to snap out of it. Don’t be offended with it. You may need both kinds of loves– soft and tough. But believe that you have your people. The ones you can lean onto.

• Choosing not to stalk their social media (yes, that one matters). Block them, if the need be. Or keep a check on yourself– lessen the frequency of you stalking them with each week.

• Rebuilding your routines. Not all easy, but definitely worth trying. Grieving takes a toll on your body– sleeping in all day, staying in bed, binge watching shows, binge-eating or not eating at all, not bathing, not doing any household chores, not showing up to meetings, staring at the ceiling lifelessly and listlessly. Yes, it happens. We go through it all. It’s all a part of your healing process. But slowly and steadily– drag yourself out of bed. Brush your teeth and comb your hair. Make your bed or organise the strewn clothes. Do the dishes or the laundry. One thing at a time. It’s totally natural and normal for you to slip back in the old pattern of inactivity. But remind yourself to get back up and do those things– one day at a time.

• Reminding yourself daily: I am still worthy of love. Even when it doesn’t feel that way. Have people who support you unabashedly. Let them tell you that you are worthy of all the love and affection. Let them support you.

• Going no-contact (highly important and highly recommended. My ex didn’t talk to me for months; it helped us a great deal. Yes, my ex is a better person than me.)

These are not one-time acts. They are daily practices, and some days you will fail. That’s okay. Healing is not about perfection—it’s about persistence.

A Gentle Reminder

If you’re reading this, I want you to hear me: you are not weak for struggling. You are not dramatic for hurting. You are not broken for taking “too long.”

Heartbreak feels unbearable because love mattered to you. And that’s not something to be ashamed of—that’s something to respect about yourself.

There will come a morning when you’ll notice it. The weight will have shifted, the silence won’t be so loud, the ache won’t stab as sharply. You won’t even know when it happened—but you’ll realize you’re breathing easier. That is how healing works: quietly, slowly, and then all at once.

Final Thoughts

So yes, it’s hard to heal a broken heart. Hard because there are no shortcuts, and harder still because you want relief right now. But if you let time do its work, and keep choosing small intentional acts of living, you will get there.

Your heart will not remain broken forever. And when it heals, it will not just be patched—it will be stronger, wiser, and still capable of love.

You’ve likely heard this phrase: “I don’t need anyone.”
At first, it sounds like power. Control. Even peace.
But what if that independence is actually shielding pain?

Our society often praises hyper independence. But beneath it, there’s frequently an emotional wound—a survival response dressed as self-sufficiency.

In this article, we’ll explore what hyper-independence really is, where it comes from, and how to shift from survival to connection — without losing your power.

What is Hyper Independence?

Hyper independence is the compulsive need to rely only on oneself — emotionally, financially, physically — even when support is available and healthy.

It’s not just confidence or autonomy. It’s:

• Turning down help, even when overwhelmed

• Struggling to be vulnerable or ask for what you need

• Feeling guilty or weak for depending on others

• Believing people are unreliable or unsafe

Why Hyper Independence Is a Trauma Response

In many cases, hyper-independence doesn’t emerge from strength — it grows out of betrayal, neglect, or emotional abandonment.

“I learned I couldn’t count on anyone, so I stopped trying.”
– A client in coaching

When trust is broken in early life (especially childhood), our nervous system adapts by building walls instead of bridges. Hyper-independence becomes a protective response to avoid being hurt, disappointed, or rejected again.

This is why it’s considered a trauma response — the body and mind are doing whatever it takes to feel safe.

Signs You Might Be Hyper-Independent

• You feel safer alone than with others

• You pride yourself on not needing anyone

• You overextend yourself instead of asking for help

• You feel vulnerable or ashamed when someone helps you

• You believe emotional closeness leads to disappointment

• You end relationships as soon as you feel “too seen”

If this resonates, you’re not broken. You’re protective. And that makes sense.

Healing the Hyper-Independent Mindset

1. Understand the Origin Without Blame
Hyper-independence served you. It kept you safe. The first step is acknowledging it without shame.

2. Practice Micro-Dependence
Start with small asks. Let a friend pick up coffee. Share how you really feel without fixing it immediately.

3. Redefine Strength
Strength isn’t isolation — it’s having the courage to trust again. Vulnerability isn’t weakness, it’s emotional intelligence.

4. Therapy or Coaching Support
Sometimes hyper-independence is deeply rooted in attachment wounds or complex PTSD. Working with a trauma-aware coach (like myself!) can help safely unpack the past and build healthier frameworks.

In Relationships

Romantic partnerships are particularly triggering for hyper-independent people. Why?

Because closeness = risk.

You might:

• Shut down during conflict

• Feel uncomfortable when your partner is “too kind”

• Struggle to receive love without suspicion

• Sabotage stability to regain control

The antidote? Slow trust.
Open dialogue. Gentle repair. Self-soothing + co-regulation.

Final Thoughts: Independence Is Beautiful — But Isolation Isn’t

Hyper-independence is your body’s way of protecting you. But healing doesn’t mean giving up strength — it means learning how to be held and whole.

Let people love you, their support soften you, and your healing be relational.

Because needing others… doesn’t make you weak.
It makes you human.

Want to Go Deeper?

Check out my free guide:

“The Guide to Better Communication”

A toolkit for building trust, emotional safety, and connection — especially for people healing from hyper-independence.

Let’s talk

Book an introductory call with me and let’s talk it all out.