I met this incredible woman who was studying medicine in Bihar, and I was in Jammu and Kashmir in my mid-twenties, rediscovering myself. We started speaking about our shared interest in writing and fell in love. Thus began our long-distance relationship.
We would send gifts and stuff to make each other feel special and happy. We would celebrate our anniversaries by hiring a local singer to sing love songs while being on the video call. The times were good.
But eventually, as we grew older and our priorities and responsibilities took different and more serious forms, spending time together on the phone became harder. So, after countless fights, arguments, and explanations, we decided it was best if we let it go.
And this was how our long-distance relationship fell out. Although it took us several years of therapy, we managed to move on and accept that it was meant to be. But it does not have to be your story.
Long-distance relationships are hard. They are like the complex blend of challenges and profound connections that come from being too far from the one you love.
I am here to guide you through the ups and downs of an LDR, what kills a long-distance relationship, and how you can prevent it from dying by knowing what you are getting into.
Let’s first understand what long-distance relationships are.
The most common setting of a long-distance relationship is when both partners are geographically separated. When the partners have to travel more than an hour to see each other, it is typically a long-distance relationship.
You may be living in Vermont, and your partner could be in Australia; that will be quite a distance and most certainly a long-distance one! Other than this, there is no strict definition of what a long-distance relationship can be called.
It is normal for couples to have hard times in a relationship, but things get particularly harder when you don’t mutually put in effort and don’t live near each other to make things work.
And yes, long-distance relationships require more work than an average relationship.
In the absence of any proper and foolproof future planning, partnerships crumble. When they cannot communicate and be open and honest about their feelings and struggles at their respective places, an LDR gets challenging.
Lack of faith, jealousy, no effective communication, no healthy boundaries, insecurities, different expectations and changed wavelength- are the major reasons why long-distance relationships can feel harder and why they become difficult to survive.
There is absolutely no doubt that when geographically distant, insecurities creep in, crippling the bond between the partners and, eventually, the relationship. There has been a fear that the physical distance will cause the partner to seek intimacy elsewhere.
The problem worsens when we cannot communicate about it calmly and reasonably. The relationship can turn sour when we fail to speak with our partner about our worries and healthily seek assurance.
Suggested Reading: Relationship Insecurity- How to stop being insecure
Long-distance relationships often fall prey to partners’ expectations varying from each other’s. Their wavelengths may no longer match, given the environment, culture, and atmosphere they are in. Their opinions on crucial topics may differ, which can stir up some serious issues in the relationship.
It is completely okay for partners to have different stances on things, but when it comes to the core beliefs, value systems, and fundamentals- differences can cause them to drift apart.
In no way should one have to compromise on their value systems to appease the partner, whether living together or afar.
It is a perfectly valid reason why long-distance relationships don’t work out for some. No one signs up for a relationship to be on the receiving end of the lack of effort or attention.
When you start saying, “My long-distance relationship is killing me”, you can discern the lack of effort in it.
Any relationship thrives on mutual effort and attention. Long-distance relationships demand a bit more. Communication- that goes both ways, not just when it is easy to talk but also when it is not. A simple update of your whereabouts following a reassurance that they are thinking about you- and vice versa. Feeling safe, heard, and understood- it takes several tries before we get it right. But the commitment and willingness to make your long-distance relationship work can work wonders.
The lack of commonality can make long-distance relationships difficult to flourish and thrive. Some examples of no common ground are- contrasting life goals (one may want family, and the other may not), differing social needs (one may want to spend time after with friends and in their social circle, while the other one may like to sit at home and relax), opposing values (one may value financial growth, ambition, and career, while the other may believe in spiritual growth and community building)
Things get particularly difficult when fundamental needs and beliefs don’t match, and no common ground is sought after. That may most certainly kill a long-distance relationship.
Sometimes, partners have a pre-determined and pre-defined notion of how a relationship should look like. They tend to forgo the fact that no two persons are alike, no two relationships are the same, and the relational challenges will also be different. On top of all that, how partners operate in that relationship will also differ from the romantic view of relationships.
Being idealistic puts too much pressure on the relationship. Partners may or may only sometimes be able to live up to the expectations and requirements. Being realistic, however, requires a great deal of understanding and awareness of self and the world and often saves the relationship.
Lies about who you are, where you are, how you live, and what you do are incredibly common in long-distance relationships. But that does not mean that these lies and dishonesty don’t kill the long-distance relationship.
Dishonesty erodes trust, leading to doubt, insecurity, and often the breakdown of the relationship. And rebuilding trust is ultra-challenging. Long-distance relationships require honest interactions and transparency about your present and future intentions to ensure safety and honesty.
What can I say about it- it’s an instant deal-breaker. If a person you like or love is not loyal to you being away, what is the guarantee that they will be once you start living together? It is correct that there are a lot of temptations around, and it is completely possible to slip and fall when you’re not careful.
That’s also why it is important to be honest with yourself- about your intentions with yourself and this person, you claim to love. Honesty will prevent both of you from potentially hurting one another.
Look at this this way- you want to be with your partner (obviously), but they are away. So, you feel you need more time to enjoy or invest yourself in. The non-availability of your partner can make you feel bored out of your wits. Hence, this is a reason that kills long-distance relationships.
Here’s the catch: when you do have your life and other joys to experience, you can use that time of your partner’s non-availability to do things you like. Maintaining your hobbies and interests is a low-key attractive trait in a relationship. It not only nourishes your soul but also keeps the spark alive in long-distance relationships.
Jealousy in long-distance relationships is not uncommon and is a perfectly natural emotion. When you see your partner hanging out with people you don’t personally know, jealousy can stem up. However, uncontrolled and unaddressed emotions can eat away at the relationship.
Jealousy in long-distance relationships hinders the growth of the relationship and can be difficult to navigate. However, ask yourself- do you really have anything to be jealous about? You can also address it with your partner and seek assurance.
Suggested Reading: Maintaining Your Individuality in Relationships.
Fighting for your long-distance relationship and working hard to make it work is commendable, but here are some blaring signs you must be aware of when to call it quits in a long-distance relationship.
It takes several tries to get it right, and effective communication is one of the hardest things you will do in a relationship, whether normal or long-distance. When you cannot communicate with your partner without feeling dismissed, judged, unsafe, or misunderstood, it is time to end it.
No one likes to put in effort when the effort is only one-sided. Only you initiate conversations, make plans, and put in the effort to make the other person feel special- know that the other person is not invested in it as much as you. There’s no point in fanning a doused fire.
Despite every effort, if you feel the relationship is not satisfying, it is a cue to leave it. The key elements you may find missing in the relationship are- communication, emotional support, security and trust, mutual effort, personal growth, and adaptability. If these elements are amiss, it’s best to leave the relationship.
Planning to meet, going a mile beyond to make them feel special, and being there when they are going through tough times- are the general definitions of effort in a relationship. When the effort is amiss, you mustn’t waste your time and energy on making the relationship work.
Lastly, it is important to acknowledge- when you and your partner are not on the same page anymore. They may start to feel like they are a different person now. Sticking together for the sake of not being lonely or alone against your core values and belief systems will cost you your sanity and peace. It is best to let go of the relationship where you can’t see eye to eye on the most fundamental subjects.
In conclusion, long-distance relationships are hard. Like any relationship, LDRs, too, thrive on effort, attention, communication, and ensuring safety and security. The absence of any of these elements kills a long-distance relationship. But you do not have to manage it all by yourself.
As a certified relationship coach, I am here to help you navigate these complex emotions, enhance communication and build a resilient foundation between you.
Book your private session today and start turning your relationship challenges into opportunities! Let’s make your love story a success, no matter the miles between you!
