No couple in the world is without some stress. I can speak for my marriage and all the others whom I have coached- stress is equivalent to a relationship killer- if and only if it remains unaddressed and unresolved.
It has nothing to do with your love for each other. But in stressful situations, love takes a backseat while other crises consume the couple.
As a relationship coach, I can say with full conviction that stress can be navigated. All that is required from you is the partners’ willingness to work on reconnecting and making necessary improvements in your relationship.
Managing stress as a couple is challenging, yes, but not impossible. Before I share valuable insights on managing stress in the relationship, let me share a personal story of how we came out of the parenting stress and strived for reconnection.
Stress affects how we show up in our marriage or relationship, how we speak with our partner, how we deal with situations that stress us out, and how people around us feel when we are stressed.
My husband and I became parents young—at 23 and 21, respectively—while still navigating marriage. Our first child came unexpectedly, and before we could adjust, we had another baby soon after. Parenting hit hard. Both kids falling sick at the same time drained us, but nothing compared to when my younger one had a febrile seizure. I rushed to the hospital, crying and terrified. Meanwhile, my elder son struggled with a severe skin allergy that took months of treatment to heal.
Amidst the chaos, our relationship took a backseat. Intimacy faded, conversations turned into blame, and stress fractured our connection. We had nothing to talk about anymore. We wouldn’t spend time with each other any longer. Sex was out of the question. We barely acknowledged each other’s presence in the room.
It wasn’t until years later, after countless challenges, that we rebuilt through mindful communication and emotional healing. That did not happen without help. I sought therapy. I acknowledged and accepted that I had flaws that needed attention. It took both of us a lot of work to make our marriage better. We both became better listeners.
Whatever bothered us, we would speak about it without blaming one another, mostly using “I” statements. This allowed the other person to listen without feeling cornered or threatened.
Each time I felt confronted or on the spot, I addressed it in a much clearer and calmer way. My husband, instead of retreating into his shell, ensured that he would listen to me, understand me, and validate me, even if our opinions differed.
Managing stress in a relationship isn’t just about dealing with external pressures- it majorly depends on our internal capacity to process those pressures. Emotional regulation, a skill that, at times, takes a lifetime to build, helps us keep calm during the tense moments life throws at us. Our cognitive flexibility allows us to adapt to new challenges. Whether it’s adjusting to parenting routines or a career switch, being open to alternative solutions helps us navigate these stressful situations with a clearer mind.
Another aspect of managing stress also depends on our attachment styles. Formed in our childhood, attachment styles affect how we engage with our patterns during stress. A secure attachment style leads to comfort in expressing needs, whereas an insecure attachment style may lead to anxiety or withdrawal. For example, “I feel overwhelmed at the moment, can we talk about this in some time?”, instead of lashing out or avoiding the conversation altogether.
Other than our attachment styles, our communication skills and psychological resilience also play a great role in how we manage stress in our relationships.
Couples who engage in clear and honest communication express themselves more efficiently than those who are used to withdrawing from difficult conversations or growing anxious in times of stress. For example, “I am feeling overwhelmed managing the house and the kids. Can we look at some ways to share the load?”
Resilience is our ability to bounce back from hardship. Couples who practice resilience weather crises more effectively. They step up, share the burden, and work through the situation step by step. This leads to them growing closer and learning to trust each other’s strengths.
In relationships, personal stress includes individual concerns such as health issues, self-esteem problems, personal goals and aspirations. These stem from past experiences, present situations, and major life changes. Some examples of these stressors are:
When couples bring back the workplace stress, things at home become chaotic. There is more irritability, miscommunication, reduced intimacy, and no time for connection with each other and the family. If it remains unaddressed or unresolved, home can feel like a source of additional stress rather than a place to unwind. Examples of professional stress are:
Relational dynamics cause stress. And from personal experience, I can tell you that relational stress takes a toll on one’s mental and emotional health. When things are not happy at home, functioning outside it becomes challenging. These stressors can range from communication gaps between the couple to bigger issues like infidelity or disparity in life goals. Take a look at the following for better understanding:
I am a parent of two schoolgoers, and I know how stressful things get with the kids, no matter the age group. Whether it’s about children’s health, studies, tantrums, sibling fights, or conflicts between the patterns regarding raising them, parental stress takes a mental toll, leaving the parents exhausted and stressed.
Examples of parental stress are:
While stress can strain our relationships, it does not have to be the only guide in our lives. Together, partners can work on dealing with stress in the following ways:
Let your partner know you are stressed with complete honesty and clarity- “Hey, I have been feeling stressed out because of the interview. I don’t know if I can deal with it.”
When we approach the subject causing stress with open words, our partner can better hear and support us. Our clear expression makes it easy for them to understand our perspective and truly listen to us.
Active listening plays a vital role in communication. Suppose your partner tells you about why they are stressed. Instead of jumping into solutions or invalidating their feelings, approach it like: “I am here to listen to you. Tell me all about it.” or “How can I better support you?”
Active listening allows an open and honest dialogue, allowing both partners to be in a safe space and the relationship to be a judgment-free zone for their expressions.
Stress in relationships is a constant. But it does not have to overturn your lives. For that, healthy boundaries come into play.
Approaching stress in the relationship as a team proves to be a solid opportunity for reconnecting and building a deeper understanding of each other. It is crucial to support each other through rough times. One can do it by:
Working Together: Tackle problems as a team, whether at home or out, without placing blame. Look for collaborative ways to solve a problem. For example, facing cash flow issues, instead of blaming one another for poor budgeting or overspending, sit together, review the financial statements, cut non-essential expenses, and seek outside funding, if necessary.
“We will figure it out,” “Let’s work through it together,” “You are not alone in this; I am with you,” and “I will help you with this.” These phrases work wonders when dealing with relationships or personal stress.
Building a home together requires sharing household responsibilities, childcare, and finances. It not only alleviates the burden on one person but also fosters a sense of teamwork and mutual support. No partner feels overwhelmed or undervalued when promoting a harmonious living environment.
Suggested Reading: How to Avoid Belittling Your Partner: From Fiery Words to Loving Actions
Taking care of yourself is important because you cannot pour from an empty cup. Managing stress becomes feasible when you make time for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. The best ways to self-care are:
Suggested Reading: Prioritise yourself with these self-care ideas!
As I mentioned in the beginning, seek professional support. Relationship coaching, marriage counselling, and therapy will help you garner self-awareness. Coaches and therapists guide you to tackle and manage stress in more effective and healthier ways without it turning emotionally chaotic. A coach or a therapist will provide you with the tools and strategies to overcome your stress.
Coaching and therapy offer a safe space to explore your emotions in a non-judgmental way and develop healthy coping mechanisms for you and your relationship.
Inspire your partner to adopt healthy habits, such as exercise and mindful eating, to help reduce stress and release hormones like serotonin, endorphins, and dopamine. These help elevate and regulate mood, appetite, and sleep and also act as natural painkillers. Dopamine, known as the ‘feel-good’ hormone, plays a crucial role in promoting a sense of happiness and motivation.
Managing stress in relationships requires mutual support, intentional effort, and patience. By addressing the sources of stress, practising self-care activities, and supporting each other, couples can navigate through stress in relationships and build stronger bonds. Remember, stress is a natural part of life. With the right strategies, it doesn’t have to harm your relationship.
