Relationship Insecurity- How to stop being insecure
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Insecurity in relationships involves inadequacy or insufficiency that usually stems from a lack of self-confidence. Feeling insecure in the relationship can make you doubt yourself, your talents, and many great things about yourself. If you are asking yourself ‘how to be less insecure’, keep reading this article. 

We shall understand the causes and signs of relationship insecurity and various tips to help you tackle this self-sabotaging behaviour. 

‘Why do I feel insecure in my relationship?’

If you have asked yourself this question, congratulations on taking a step towards self-awareness.

It’s a natural and common feeling; couples feel insecure in a relationship for various reasons. Some reasons may not appear on the surface, and It may be difficult to pinpoint the exact reason(s). These include family issues, past relationship issues, abuse, neglect, etc. 

In addition, the insecure partner may be struggling with relationship anxiety stemming from their insecurity. 

Let’s look at what causes relationship insecurity: 

Hurtful past relationships. 

Some people who have not been in healthy relationships in the past often bring unresolved emotional issues in their current relationships. This happens because they have not recognised and worked on them. They have not had the time to process their emotions fully and heal from them. An insecure partner in their new relationship may find it strange to be treated with respect and equality if subjected to mistreatment, gaslighting, and relationship abuse.

They may doubt their new partner’s authenticity or their own worth. Because their emotional needs were never met in the past, they may feel insecure about whether or not they deserve good.

Low Self-Confidence

As mentioned above, some people’s insecurity stems from their lack of self-confidence and personal insecurities. They are in a constant quest whether they are good enough or not. The insecurity shows up in their relationship through self-doubt, sensitivity to rejection, and reactivity to other people’s opinions. Even a small disagreement can trigger intense anxiety or panic in their minds, and they may question everything else in the relationship. Every little thing tends to get magnified. 

Maybe they were subjected to abuse. Or they have been bullied, teased, and insulted. Maybe they were made to believe they were not worthy of love because of minor mistakes. It may happen that their caregivers made them feel low and small about themselves. All these scenarios may make a person insecure in adult relationships. 

Social Anxiety 

Mild social anxiety is pretty common for everyone. But for some, it may take an intense form, negatively affecting their interpersonal relationships. If your partner is outgoing and extroverted, you may need help keeping up with social interactions. You may end up feeling like an outsider or unfit for the gathering. 

Personal life fulfilment 

A romantic relationship is a partnership between two distinct people. Your individuality gives you a sense of fulfilment. However, some people lose or struggle to find their individuality. 

Inadvertently, they turn towards their partners for that sense of fulfilment. Without this, they begin to look at themselves and the world through their partner’s eyes. Such a partner may completely lose sight of themselves instead of self-discovery. And this is where the insecurity stems from. Because your worldview may differ from your partner’s, you may not put much thought into it, but an emptiness creeps up, making you crave your individuality. 

Stressful Situations 

Sometimes, insecurity in relationships is not the cause of any underlying cause but the causes that are obvious and right there on the surface. These situations may include co-parenting, financial situations, or the need to take some tough and important decisions. 

Couples facing these situations may struggle with a sense of security in their relationship. However, this insecurity finds resolution once the situation passes, but it may resurface later if left unaddressed. 

Poor Communication

In the absence of effective communication, insecurity creeps in, leading to assumptions, misunderstandings, and shutting off during a conversation. Couples who communicate more often and state their feelings can work through their conflicts while staying connected. Poor communication builds insecurity in partners’ minds for the relationship or themselves. 

What are the signs of relationship insecurity?

Relationship insecurity makes you focus on all the negatives, whether about the relationship, the partner, or yourself. Signs of insecurity may include: 

  • Feeling that your partner can leave you at any time; 
  • Always looking for reassurance or validation from your partner;
  • Constantly checking on your partner, needing to know whom they are with and what they are doing;
  • Feeling jealous of and resenting the people your partner is close with- friends, cousins, and family. 
  • Feeling the need to verify everything your partner tells you because you don’t believe them. 
  • Your guard is almost always up during intimate moments. 
  • You fight or have arguments over small things- your extreme or intense reaction doesn’t match the severity of the situation. 
  • You often judge and question yourself; you have trouble accepting your flaws. 
  • You feel attacked and criticised- you become defensive and resort to using hurtful and definitive words. 
  • You assume and internalise a lot of scenarios instead of directly addressing something bothering you. 

How to not be insecure in a relationship

Learning to stop being insecure involves understanding the power of self-doubt and self-sabotaging behaviours. When you doubt yourself, your worldview gets distorted and clouded with negative thoughts. How you view, the world reflects in your relationships. 

We often judge ourselves harshly while struggling with relationship insecurity. We may even hold unrealistic expectations for ourselves and the relationship. Insecure people question their worthiness of being loved. 

If left unaddressed and unresolved, insecurity becomes dangerous for a relationship. Our internal obstacles stand between us and happiness. Working proactively on removing these inner battles will help you stop being insecure in your relationship. 

1.  Examine your doubts. 

Catch yourself when doubts crawl up your mind and take up your headspace. Analyse them and understand that those doubts manifest your fears and worries. They are far from reality and have nothing to do with your self-beliefs and opinions. Tell yourself that these are false ideas. Your doubts feed on your inability to stand face-front before them. When you question their presence, you make room for healthy beliefs. Analysing your doubts will take away their control over you and help you rise above your relationship insecurity. 

2.  Rest your overthinking. 

Don’t allow yourself to overthink or overreact to behaviours you don’t find good. Don’t allow yourself to read between the lines. Shed off destructive thoughts because you don’t want to drain your energy. Put an intentional rest on your overthinking by engaging in activities that refreshen you. 

3.  Communicate.

If it bothers you, instead of allowing relationship insecurity to settle between you and your partner, communicate. Talk about what bothers you. Tell them how you feel. You can work on your communication skills with your partner and learn to communicate in an encouraging, empathetic, and clear manner. It’s OKAY if you feel vulnerable or find it hard to talk. But communicating how you feel can deeply strengthen your partnership in multiple cases. 

4.  Mindfulness 

Recognising and acknowledging the insecurity issues will drive you towards working on them. Self-awareness is crucial in confronting and putting an end to relationship insecurity. Reflecting on yourself will help you locate the root of your low self-esteem and identify your triggers

5.  Journal your feelings. 

Maintain a journal. Write down your thoughts when insecurity creeps in. Do this when you identify your triggers and how they impact your relationship. 

6.  See a therapist.

Consider seeking therapy because a trained outside perspective is needed to understand how your insecurity is linked to underlying unresolved dynamics. You can seek to work with your therapist on coping with insecurity. 

Talk with a Relationship Coach!

A relationship coach helps you work on your relationship and communication goals depending on your needs. You can get in touch with one and find the best ways to improve your relationship skills and foster a better relationship with your partner.

Need help finding a relationship coach? Don’t worry; we got you. Click here to book a free session!