The dream of sipping on my tea in bed went back into my head, where all the dreams of being cosy in my room lay with dust upon them. I had to keep my mug aside and go outside to interfere.

My first instinct was to yell at the top of my lungs, ‘STOP!’ when I saw them clutching their collar and raising their free hands to punch in each other’s eye sockets. Instead, I waited. I walked near them for them to realise my presence. Let me not fool you; it did NOT intimidate them. They hit each other nonetheless, but not in the eye sockets. Thankfully, neither of them cried at it because they were ready to have another go. And this time, I did interfere. 

“Okay, kids, I think we have had enough of the fight for the day. Why don’t we sit in the room and settle it?” I said so firmly but with a voice in their hearing range. The kids looked at me and then at each other and let go of each other’s collars. 

My elder one is six years old, and the younger one is five. The elder one is quite a hitter because his interests lie in punching, jumping around, doing somersaults, and flipping in the air (yeah, it’s commendable how he does it). 

All the parenting blogs I have read mostly target keeping patience and calm. And they don’t undermine the impatience that comes with parenting; they know it’s hard.

One of the most challenging tasks in handy with parenting is taming the ‘hitter’ in your kid. We all have experienced the embarrassment of our child hitting another child either at school or at a party. And we all have received enough complaints about the same that we may as well write a book on it. 

Usually, we lose our calm and jump right in to become a part of the fighting while yelling or shouting or being angry. And we forget to ask why they were doing it in the first place. Let us begin by discovering the same.

Why Kids Hit or Bite or Kick or Push

If you have read multiple parenting blogs like me, you may have come across the term aggressive behaviour in toddlers or kids. And you may also know that aggressive behaviours in the kids are way, waaaaayyyy common. In younger kids and toddlers, it is because the skills of speaking and expressing emotions are not fully developed. Kids do not know how to manage their challenging emotions and BIG feelings. They may not know to give their anger, sadness, or any such emotion an outlet, so they use their body. 

Trust me when I say this; all of us are privy to our toddler’s behaviour. But how we respond to them hitting the other child or their younger sibling or yourself makes the difference. As a disclaimer, I would state that the task is challenging, demanding tonnes of patience and consistent practice. 

So, What you should NOT do! 

Yelling. Shouting or yelling at your little hitter is what you should not do. And most certainly, you don’t raise your hand on them.  Why? Because it will somehow encourage more of that aggressive behaviour. 

“Kids don’t follow the advice; they follow the actions.” If they see you doing the same thing you are stopping them from doing, they will probably not listen to you. That’s what I meant when I said that the task at hand would require more patience and practice. 

Take a look at the phrases that you do not say or use while inching forward to stop your child:

OH MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU DO?

OH GOD, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?

HOW MANY TIMES DO I TELL YOU NOT TO HIT! 

STOP RIGHT AWAY, OR I WILL SLAP YOU! 

STOP HITTING YOUR LITTLE SISTER! 

WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME! 

OH MY GO, ARE YOU CRAZY! (That one is extreme, amongst many others.)

As I typed these phrases, I pictured myself yelling the same to my kids. And so did you. 

Most child psychology specialists remark that when your child is being aggressive or hitting someone, they mostly do it for attention. And when we react in the manner mentioned above, they take it as a convenient way to take your attention for the next time. 

Reacting in a BIG manner to their BIG feelings will allow them to showcase the same aggressiveness in the future. 

Now, that doesn’t mean you think, ‘Oh damn, I am a horrible parent….’ Relax. Take a deep breath. And allow yourself some space. You are not a horrible parent, for everyone makes mistakes. And everyone learns from them. That brings me to the next step- what you should do instead. 

What you should do to ‘tame’ the hitter in your toddler?

Remember this thumb rule because you will need it every time you move forward to stop your kid from hitting- you are cool, you’ve got this, you are the super calm boss. 

NO MATTER WHAT, you are to stay calm and keep your cool. As I have already mentioned, it’s tough, but remember, you are the boss! 

Yelling at your kid to stop them from hitting will put a halt on the kid for a second, but it will not teach him not to hit at all. After reading many blogs and books and a hell of a lot of practice, I have understood the 3-step process. You bet I am going to share it with you! 

Step 1: See the kid

See the kid—their actions. Them hitting the other kid or person. Do not jump right in to stop them. Instead of running towards them to correct their behaviour, slap, or scold them, talk and connect:

“I see you are upset because she pulled your hair.” 

Such a phrase will allow your child to notice you taking note of them. It will enable them to turn towards you with their emotions. Now that you have got their attention, it will help you connect with your child. 

Step 2: Give the green light to their feeling.

How would you feel if you are upset and someone comes and says, “So what you are upset, get over it!”?

Yes, it isn’t very pleasant. Now imagine how your little chipmunk would feel upon their feeling gone unnoticed or, worse, disregarded? They will instantly feel unwanted. Trust me; they do; I often hear this- “Ma, you don’t love me, you don’t listen to me!”

Instead of ignoring their feeling, okay it, give it a green signal:

“It’s okay to feel upset, baby.” 

You can add a few more comforting words like:

“I understand it, my child; calm down. I know you are angry, and it’s okay. I am here.” 

Again, as a disclaimer, I know it’s demanding and challenging, but don’t forget who you are- the super calm boss! 

I also understand that it’s easier said than done. But as I said, it will require extraordinary patience and practice. It wouldn’t come naturally to you, especially if you were parented entirely differently. So, keep at it and continue the effort. That brings us to the last step! 

Step 3: Boundaries! 

It’s just the right time after connecting with your child and okaying their feeling that you state the boundaries to them. 

“It is not okay to hit or kick when you are upset. I will move her away from you to keep her safe.” 

If the kid has hit you:

“I won’t allow you to hit me; I will move away from you to stay safe.” 

If they still come at you or their sibling, try this:

“I know you are upset, but it is not okay to hit. Now I will hold your hands down so that everyone is safe.” 

And then gently pull them to you. 

The process needs several times of practice, patience, and consistency. And you may need to repeat these steps more than once until their tantrum is over. You will need to keep the super-cool boss & leader inside you energised till your child gets calm and listens to you. 

But will it work? Will your child push past you to hit their sibling again? Will the kid huff up and go outside yelling? 

Absolutely. 

Yes. It will not work right away. But it will if you keep at it. Because in the end, all your hard work and patience will be worth raising your little nugget as an emotionally healthy child.

This is where the understanding and practice of Gentle parenting becomes more useful.

Hang in there! 

It’s not all because connecting with your child better will require you to go to them later and speak with them about the earlier event. 

“Earlier in the noon, you had grown upset and pushed your little brother. It’s okay to be upset, my darling. But hitting is not okay. What else would you want to do when you get frustrated?” 

Talking with your child after they have calmed down is important; it will show them how one reacts and responds when something doesn’t happen according to them. And it will help them grow emotionally healthier.