The dream of sipping on my tea in bed went back into my head, where all the dreams of being cosy in my room lay with dust upon them. I had to keep my mug aside and go outside to interfere.

My first instinct was to yell at the top of my lungs, ‘STOP!’ when I saw them clutching their collar and raising their free hands to punch in each other’s eye sockets. Instead, I waited. I walked near them for them to realise my presence. Let me not fool you; it did NOT intimidate them. They hit each other nonetheless, but not in the eye sockets. Thankfully, neither of them cried at it because they were ready to have another go. And this time, I did interfere. 

“Okay, kids, I think we have had enough of the fight for the day. Why don’t we sit in the room and settle it?” I said so firmly but with a voice in their hearing range. The kids looked at me and then at each other and let go of each other’s collars. 

My elder one is six years old, and the younger one is five. The elder one is quite a hitter because his interests lie in punching, jumping around, doing somersaults, and flipping in the air (yeah, it’s commendable how he does it). 

All the parenting blogs I have read mostly target keeping patience and calm. And they don’t undermine the impatience that comes with parenting; they know it’s hard.

One of the most challenging tasks in handy with parenting is taming the ‘hitter’ in your kid. We all have experienced the embarrassment of our child hitting another child either at school or at a party. And we all have received enough complaints about the same that we may as well write a book on it. 

Usually, we lose our calm and jump right in to become a part of the fighting while yelling or shouting or being angry. And we forget to ask why they were doing it in the first place. Let us begin by discovering the same.

Why Kids Hit or Bite or Kick or Push

If you have read multiple parenting blogs like me, you may have come across the term aggressive behaviour in toddlers or kids. And you may also know that aggressive behaviours in the kids are way, waaaaayyyy common. In younger kids and toddlers, it is because the skills of speaking and expressing emotions are not fully developed. Kids do not know how to manage their challenging emotions and BIG feelings. They may not know to give their anger, sadness, or any such emotion an outlet, so they use their body. 

Trust me when I say this; all of us are privy to our toddler’s behaviour. But how we respond to them hitting the other child or their younger sibling or yourself makes the difference. As a disclaimer, I would state that the task is challenging, demanding tonnes of patience and consistent practice. 

So, What you should NOT do! 

Yelling. Shouting or yelling at your little hitter is what you should not do. And most certainly, you don’t raise your hand on them.  Why? Because it will somehow encourage more of that aggressive behaviour. 

“Kids don’t follow the advice; they follow the actions.” If they see you doing the same thing you are stopping them from doing, they will probably not listen to you. That’s what I meant when I said that the task at hand would require more patience and practice. 

Take a look at the phrases that you do not say or use while inching forward to stop your child:

OH MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU DO?

OH GOD, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?

HOW MANY TIMES DO I TELL YOU NOT TO HIT! 

STOP RIGHT AWAY, OR I WILL SLAP YOU! 

STOP HITTING YOUR LITTLE SISTER! 

WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME! 

OH MY GO, ARE YOU CRAZY! (That one is extreme, amongst many others.)

As I typed these phrases, I pictured myself yelling the same to my kids. And so did you. 

Most child psychology specialists remark that when your child is being aggressive or hitting someone, they mostly do it for attention. And when we react in the manner mentioned above, they take it as a convenient way to take your attention for the next time. 

Reacting in a BIG manner to their BIG feelings will allow them to showcase the same aggressiveness in the future. 

Now, that doesn’t mean you think, ‘Oh damn, I am a horrible parent….’ Relax. Take a deep breath. And allow yourself some space. You are not a horrible parent, for everyone makes mistakes. And everyone learns from them. That brings me to the next step- what you should do instead. 

What you should do to ‘tame’ the hitter in your toddler?

Remember this thumb rule because you will need it every time you move forward to stop your kid from hitting- you are cool, you’ve got this, you are the super calm boss. 

NO MATTER WHAT, you are to stay calm and keep your cool. As I have already mentioned, it’s tough, but remember, you are the boss! 

Yelling at your kid to stop them from hitting will put a halt on the kid for a second, but it will not teach him not to hit at all. After reading many blogs and books and a hell of a lot of practice, I have understood the 3-step process. You bet I am going to share it with you! 

Step 1: See the kid

See the kid—their actions. Them hitting the other kid or person. Do not jump right in to stop them. Instead of running towards them to correct their behaviour, slap, or scold them, talk and connect:

“I see you are upset because she pulled your hair.” 

Such a phrase will allow your child to notice you taking note of them. It will enable them to turn towards you with their emotions. Now that you have got their attention, it will help you connect with your child. 

Step 2: Give the green light to their feeling.

How would you feel if you are upset and someone comes and says, “So what you are upset, get over it!”?

Yes, it isn’t very pleasant. Now imagine how your little chipmunk would feel upon their feeling gone unnoticed or, worse, disregarded? They will instantly feel unwanted. Trust me; they do; I often hear this- “Ma, you don’t love me, you don’t listen to me!”

Instead of ignoring their feeling, okay it, give it a green signal:

“It’s okay to feel upset, baby.” 

You can add a few more comforting words like:

“I understand it, my child; calm down. I know you are angry, and it’s okay. I am here.” 

Again, as a disclaimer, I know it’s demanding and challenging, but don’t forget who you are- the super calm boss! 

I also understand that it’s easier said than done. But as I said, it will require extraordinary patience and practice. It wouldn’t come naturally to you, especially if you were parented entirely differently. So, keep at it and continue the effort. That brings us to the last step! 

Step 3: Boundaries! 

It’s just the right time after connecting with your child and okaying their feeling that you state the boundaries to them. 

“It is not okay to hit or kick when you are upset. I will move her away from you to keep her safe.” 

If the kid has hit you:

“I won’t allow you to hit me; I will move away from you to stay safe.” 

If they still come at you or their sibling, try this:

“I know you are upset, but it is not okay to hit. Now I will hold your hands down so that everyone is safe.” 

And then gently pull them to you. 

The process needs several times of practice, patience, and consistency. And you may need to repeat these steps more than once until their tantrum is over. You will need to keep the super-cool boss & leader inside you energised till your child gets calm and listens to you. 

But will it work? Will your child push past you to hit their sibling again? Will the kid huff up and go outside yelling? 

Absolutely. 

Yes. It will not work right away. But it will if you keep at it. Because in the end, all your hard work and patience will be worth raising your little nugget as an emotionally healthy child.

This is where the understanding and practice of Gentle parenting becomes more useful.

Hang in there! 

It’s not all because connecting with your child better will require you to go to them later and speak with them about the earlier event. 

“Earlier in the noon, you had grown upset and pushed your little brother. It’s okay to be upset, my darling. But hitting is not okay. What else would you want to do when you get frustrated?” 

Talking with your child after they have calmed down is important; it will show them how one reacts and responds when something doesn’t happen according to them. And it will help them grow emotionally healthier.

Are You Dealing with Pregnancy Alone?

Before starting this article, I researched people dealing with pregnancy alone: how they do it, how they manage themselves during pregnancy, and how they sail right through it like true warriors. Whether it’s India, the USA, the UK, or any other country, going through pregnancy alone is daunting, emotionally draining, and loneliness attacks you from all sides. I am not exaggerating; it’s what I felt while reading those articles. I marvel at the women who gathered themselves and decided to go through their pregnancy alone. 

Although I have no experience of being alone during my pregnancies, I know people who have gone through these challenging times all by themselves. From their experiences, I list some tips to help you go through pregnancy alone. But before that, let me list out a few reasons why women end up going through pregnancy alone: 

Reasons for dealing with pregnancy alone: 

1. Some moms know from the beginning that they want to do this alone (hats off to them, really.) 
2. Your partner may not have wanted any children and left you alone.  
3. Your partner may be away due to work, deployed away, or has to travel for work frequently. Or maybe your partner has passed away.  
4. Your in-laws or parents don’t want to support you during your pregnancy, leaving you alone during your challenging times. 
5. An unsupportive partner, too, adds to being alone during pregnancy. In that case, having or not having someone makes no difference. 
6. In countries like India, where a daughter-in-law is mostly needed only for dowry or a male heir, it’s common for the husband and in-laws to be of tormenting behaviour which suffices the mother-to-be to choose to be alone during pregnancy. 

Tips for Dealing with Pregnancy without a partner: You are not alone! 

Being pregnant is challenging as it is. Dealing with pregnancy alone, without the support or presence of a partner, can prove to be emotionally and physically draining. The tips I am going to list may not fulfil the absence of a partner, but they sure can help you get through with pregnancy on your own. 

1.  Build a village: 

‘It takes a village to raise a child’ is undoubtedly the truest saying- raising a baby requires support from your loved ones, friends, and family. Reach out to your loved ones for various things- going to doctor’s appointments, tests and vaccines, pregnancy activities and classes, etc. Your friends can help you with any medical or personal issues. They can act as your confidant and offer you emotional and moral support. 

2.  Find other single parent friends: 

It feels easier when you have people around you who are also dealing with pregnancy alone, people facing similar challenges. If there’s no single parent in your circle, you can always reach out to local support groups, offline or online. You can connect with them now and even after the baby’s birth. You can extend yours to other single parents in need by accepting support. 

Remember, you are no less. You are strong and resilient. Being a single parent requires guts and strength. Don’t sell yourself short; give yourself plenty of credit for handling yourself and life growing within you. 

3.  Budgeting: 

Getting your finances in line while you are single and pregnant is crucial, for you wouldn’t want to struggle financially. Pregnancy demands preparation- mentally, physically, and financially. 

Try to manage your finances to cover your pregnancy costs. Pregnancy costs will include health care expenses, maternity clothes, baby gear, parental leave, etc. Budgeting will not be difficult if you know what you and your baby need each month. There are baby cost calculators available on the internet to help you figure out the costs after the baby is born. The cost of giving birth will include hospital expenses (depending upon the health insurance or maternity insurance). If your employer does not cover you, look into health insurance plans. How you can budget for baby costs:

1. Start with listing where your money goes; go through bank statements, and make sure to keep receipts with you to understand the areas of expenditure. 
2. Keep a 50/30/20 rule for your budget- spend 50% on the necessities, 30% on secondary items, and 20% on debt payments or savings. 
3. Spend and save wisely; you wouldn’t want to remain penniless before the end of the month arrives. Cut down on additional expenses. 
4. Keep a budget for contingencies; expect the unexpected. Keep some amount every month handy for any emergencies. 

4.  Get friends to come with you: 

Doctor appointments, tests, yoga classes, birthing classes, etc., become less daunting when you have a friend’s company. Ask your friends or support systems to accompany you to these places. A friend’s presence lifts your spirits and is there to give you emotional support. Please rely on your circle when you want to lean on them, share your experiences, or want them around you. 

Your parents, siblings, a good friend, cousin- think of all the people you can rely on and be ready to be there. 

5.  Setting up baby gear while dealing with pregnancy alone: 

Research done beforehand will come in handy when shopping for baby gear. Cots, cribs, clothing, diapers, formula, prams, car seats, feeding bottles, steriliser, etc., a baby needs it all. Get in touch with a person or a friend who can guide you about all these things. Which products are good for your baby and where you can get these items at reasonable prices will not burden you and your budget. 

Winding-up

Keeping all the tips mentioned above in mind, one can prepare for the new baby while dealing with pregnancy alone. It’s easier said than done, I know. But keeping a practical approach will help you sail through it all, and dealing with pregnancy alone will become a little less cumbersome. 

People have often said, ‘I hate being a mom’. We all know that parenthood is not an easy task. It demands your all and more than seldom leaves you feeling exhausted, frustrated, and helpless. 

Whether you are a stay-at-home mother or a working parent, you are co-parenting or a single parent. After all, you’re responsible for another tiny human being(s), all their needs and wants. You are responsible not just for the households, finances, and family but also for raising a human being(s). 

It’s easy to feel burdened, weighed down, or unappreciated when all you do goes unacknowledged. The mounting pressure from all the aspects often leads us, moms, to feel- I HATE BEING A MOM! Mixed with all these responsibilities is fatigue, no room for self-care, and no time for yourself adds to that frustration. 

Reasons why we feel- I hate being a mom! 

There can be innumerable reasons why we wonder, ‘I hate being a mom’. Let me list down a few for you, not that you need them, eh?

1.  Fatigue:

When you’re exhausted, everything around you will seem to aggravate your exhaustion. Lack of sleep affects the way you function. Sleep is essential for a healthy brain and active functioning. No restorative sleep renders you groggy, annoyed and exhausted. 

2.  Relationship Dynamics: 

No matter how great your relationship with your partner or spouse may be, children can add a lot. You and your partner may not always agree on things related to children. The difference in opinions often leads to sourness in the relationship dynamics. Besides this, it’s hard to focus on yourself with children around you, let alone your partner. It further adds to the resentment when your or your partner’s emotional or physical needs aren’t met. Being a mom isn’t limited to catering to your child(ren); it also means adjusting your entire relationship. 

3.  Sense of Identity: 

It is not uncommon for moms to feel that their sense of purpose or identity is lost or is reduced. Being a mom demands your time, energy, and entire being to raise that one little human being. You may have given up something meaningful to do so. It may be your career, your most cherished hobby, volunteering jobs, meeting with friends, etc. A part of your identity may feel like being scraped off you. You love your baby, but the reduced sense of identity can make you say, “ I hate being a mom! 

Read about- Self Parenting: A Guide to Healing Yourself

4.  Instagram Perfection: 

Trust me; you are not alone. The pressure of being an Instagram Perfect mom is too much and has been gruelling us, moms, into becoming something we are not. Society has perpetuated many myths about a ‘perfect mom’ or a ‘good mom’- always be at the beck and call of your kids, always feed them a home-cooked meal, always make sure that your kids are well-behaved, etc. In the pursuit of being a ‘perfect mom’, you add to your life an intense pressure that takes away your peace and hinders your child’s development. And often, you are left with the thoughts of self-defeat and failure as a mom.

5.  Motherhood is simply not easy: 

You will always have things to do, tasks to complete, and children to tend to. Despite your best efforts, you will find them not happy with you. Motherhood is a 24/7 job with a little vacation. Even on vacation, you don’t feel the gist of the holiday because there are kids. While it’s normal for kids to display challenging behaviour, it gets supremely tiring for moms to understand how to navigate it. You can refer to this guide on gentle parenting- how to raise a happier child.

6.  Not wanting kids to begin with: 

It’s not an uncommon truth; not every woman wants to be a mother. Some mothers are pressured into becoming a parent; some get unexpectedly pregnant. Though this doesn’t make you a bad parent, it can add to the feelings of resentment or anger because raising kids is not an easy job! 

7.  No support system or help: 

Moms often feel a lack of support or help- whether around the house or with the kids. Labelling moms as supermoms is not something to be admired. What moms are looking for is NOT the label of SuperMom; it’s a set of helping hands so they can raise their kids without losing themselves. The myth that mothers can do everything independently is completely unhelpful and exacerbating. Absence of a stable support system, mothers develop postpartum depression. Lack of sleep added stress, and constant struggle with intense emotions leads you to scream, ‘I hate being a mom!’  Without resources or support from family members, raising a child on your own takes a huge toll on your mental health. 

8.  Children displaying Disruptive Behaviour Disorder: 

However, disruptive behaviour disorder (DBD) is different from acts of defiance. It’s a condition where children are depicting behaviour that disrupts their surroundings. It’s not necessarily the result of bad parenting, but it makes parenting stressful. 

What should I do if I hate being a mom?

We understood why moms feel like they hate being a mom; parenting is one of the hardest jobs, after all. To top it all off, when we go and ask for solutions, we are told to ‘control’ our emotions. 

Let me tell you something- you CAN NOT control our emotions. But you can manage them. You can pause, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. This allows you a moment to see examine how you are feeling and how you can approach the situation better. 

Of course, your problems will not vanish once you open your eyes, but you will have gathered some perspective. To help you get started, here’s a list of some suggestions on how you can prioritise your needs: 

1.  You are not alone: 

You are not alone in this. And most importantly, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. Many moms feel the same. There’s nothing shameful about you not satisfied with motherhood or not finding motherhood blissful. Mothers are idolised by society, and those myths are unreal and unhelpful. 

2.  Ask for help: 

“It takes a village to raise a child.” Hence, not the job of a single human being to raise another human being. Don’t hesitate in asking for help from family or friends. Around the house, with the kids, anything- ask for help. Be open about how you feel- be specific in what you need. 

3.  Schedule a day only for yourself: 

Whether you’re a stay-at-home parent or a working mom, alone time is necessary. A day to yourself to do your favourite things is essential to refresh yourself and remind yourself that your needs matter. You can drop kids off at their grandparents’ or ask your partner to take over. Try not to dwell on how your kids may be doing; they will just be fine, trust me. 

4.  Let go of perfection: 

Accept that there is no such thing as perfection, and pursuing the same will lead you to question your self-worth. So, shed off the desire to be a perfect mom; you are what your child needs. It’s okay if your house is messy or you don’t ALWAYS prepare food at home. Allow your kids to watch the extra show so you can have your tea or coffee in peace. Let them paint to their hearts’ content because this is important for them. Let go of the want to be perfect- you are doing the best you can! 

In Ending 

‘I hate being a mom’ is not an uncommon thing for moms to say or feel. Although situations lead them to feel so, we are not bad mamas. We are doing the best we can. Society has always put mothers on a pedestal, but it forgets that a mother is as much a human being as the one they are raising. Know that you are not alone. Happy Parenting! 

6 Ways to Keep Cool While Travelling With Kids:

From that ultimately stressful holiday, I have learnt a thing or two that parents should and not do. So here are some ways you can keep your cool while travelling with kids. Trust me; it’s going to be very tough. 

1. Go for short vacations: 

Unlike me, who went for a 9-day long trip, kindly plan a trip for not more than five days. Why? The obvious reason- we can’t deal with the kids outside a comfortable setting of our home. Besides, a longer trip will mean more exhaustion, more stress, and more than extra packing. 

2. Pack some healthy snacks for them to munch on: 

So, here’s one of the biggest mistakes; I had not packed any healthy snacks or foods for kids thinking that we would get food anywhere. But let this notion not fool you. You have no idea when your kids might get hungry and how many tantrums they’ll throw on the way! So pack food. You’ll get an awesome list of foods you can pack for your dearies here! Do NOT pack sugary products like doughnuts, chocolates, sweets (no matter how delicious they sound or look). 

3. Pack like a Pro! 

Okay, I was pretty spot-on in that area. I had packed the kids’ windcheaters, medicines, bandages, extra undergarments, swimsuits, extra paper bags, socks and shoes. Pack the things that you hope that you don’t need because, hey, you are travelling with kids! Everything is necessary! Don’t forget to keep a bar of soap, sanitiser, wet wipes and extra hand towels, just in case they puke in the car (like mine did). 

4. Keep ‘em Engaged: 

How- you ask? Keep a drawing pad (two, if you have two kids or more, accordingly) and colours. Please give it to them when they have nothing to do while sitting in the hotel room. And, of course, I am not going to lecture you about not giving them the phone to watch YouTube. Let them have their screen-time because they need it, and you do, too. If your children are a tad bit older, you can hand them a camera and ask them to click photos of things that may interest them. Give them the puzzles, pencils and paper; you’ll be stress-free for a while. You can also give them age-appropriate storybooks to delve into.

5. Involve them when making decisions: 

The kids want to go to the pool- Sure! They say they want pizza for lunch- absolutely! The little rugrats don’t feel like doing anything- perfect! Involve them when planning for the day- or any change of plans during the day. Ask them what they’d like to do, honour their wishes, and let them have their way for a while. The kids are on holiday, too! 

6. Manage your Stress: 

Easier said than done? I know you’re stressed about their sleeping schedule, the food, that one vest you might have left in the other hotel room. I know how it adds to the stress when they have travel sickness or want to poop in the middle of the zoo, or get hungry when you’re about to leave for a music concert. All of it is stressful, and I completely feel you as a parent. 

Here’s how you can manage your stress- leave them be. Let the kids enjoy. Also, give them snacks. Please, don’t panic when they puke or poop nowhere near a washroom. You got it. Please remember that you have got it. Instead of feeling all over the place, allow the situation to sink in and take charge! 

You now know the ways to keep cool while travelling with kids!  

It’s hard to keep calm while travelling with kids. But that’s how we learn! And that is how they know, too! Trust yourself that you have got it. You have it all together even when it feels it’s not. You are the boss and an amazing parent! Parenting is a process, and you are moving a step ahead every day!