Reasons and ways to cope with the frustration and irritation moms feel.
People have often said, ‘I hate being a mom’. We all know that parenthood is not an easy task. It demands your all and more than seldom leaves you feeling exhausted, frustrated, and helpless.
Whether you are a stay-at-home mother or a working parent, you are co-parenting or a single parent. After all, you’re responsible for another tiny human being(s), all their needs and wants. You are responsible not just for the households, finances, and family but also for raising a human being(s).
It’s easy to feel burdened, weighed down, or unappreciated when all you do goes unacknowledged. The mounting pressure from all the aspects often leads us, moms, to feel- I HATE BEING A MOM! Mixed with all these responsibilities is fatigue, no room for self-care, and no time for yourself adds to that frustration.
There can be innumerable reasons why we wonder, ‘I hate being a mom’. Let me list down a few for you, not that you need them, eh?
When you’re exhausted, everything around you will seem to aggravate your exhaustion. Lack of sleep affects the way you function. Sleep is essential for a healthy brain and active functioning. No restorative sleep renders you groggy, annoyed and exhausted.
No matter how great your relationship with your partner or spouse may be, children can add a lot. You and your partner may not always agree on things related to children. The difference in opinions often leads to sourness in the relationship dynamics. Besides this, it’s hard to focus on yourself with children around you, let alone your partner. It further adds to the resentment when your or your partner’s emotional or physical needs aren’t met. Being a mom isn’t limited to catering to your child(ren); it also means adjusting your entire relationship.
It is not uncommon for moms to feel that their sense of purpose or identity is lost or is reduced. Being a mom demands your time, energy, and entire being to raise that one little human being. You may have given up something meaningful to do so. It may be your career, your most cherished hobby, volunteering jobs, meeting with friends, etc. A part of your identity may feel like being scraped off you. You love your baby, but the reduced sense of identity can make you say, “ I hate being a mom!
Read about- Self Parenting: A Guide to Healing Yourself
Trust me; you are not alone. The pressure of being an Instagram Perfect mom is too much and has been gruelling us, moms, into becoming something we are not. Society has perpetuated many myths about a ‘perfect mom’ or a ‘good mom’- always be at the beck and call of your kids, always feed them a home-cooked meal, always make sure that your kids are well-behaved, etc. In the pursuit of being a ‘perfect mom’, you add to your life an intense pressure that takes away your peace and hinders your child’s development. And often, you are left with the thoughts of self-defeat and failure as a mom.
You will always have things to do, tasks to complete, and children to tend to. Despite your best efforts, you will find them not happy with you. Motherhood is a 24/7 job with a little vacation. Even on vacation, you don’t feel the gist of the holiday because there are kids. While it’s normal for kids to display challenging behaviour, it gets supremely tiring for moms to understand how to navigate it. You can refer to this guide on gentle parenting- how to raise a happier child.
It’s not an uncommon truth; not every woman wants to be a mother. Some mothers are pressured into becoming a parent; some get unexpectedly pregnant. Though this doesn’t make you a bad parent, it can add to the feelings of resentment or anger because raising kids is not an easy job!
Moms often feel a lack of support or help- whether around the house or with the kids. Labelling moms as supermoms is not something to be admired. What moms are looking for is NOT the label of SuperMom; it’s a set of helping hands so they can raise their kids without losing themselves. The myth that mothers can do everything independently is completely unhelpful and exacerbating. Absence of a stable support system, mothers develop postpartum depression. Lack of sleep added stress, and constant struggle with intense emotions leads you to scream, ‘I hate being a mom!’ Without resources or support from family members, raising a child on your own takes a huge toll on your mental health.
However, disruptive behaviour disorder (DBD) is different from acts of defiance. It’s a condition where children are depicting behaviour that disrupts their surroundings. It’s not necessarily the result of bad parenting, but it makes parenting stressful.
We understood why moms feel like they hate being a mom; parenting is one of the hardest jobs, after all. To top it all off, when we go and ask for solutions, we are told to ‘control’ our emotions.
Let me tell you something- you CAN NOT control our emotions. But you can manage them. You can pause, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. This allows you a moment to see examine how you are feeling and how you can approach the situation better.
Of course, your problems will not vanish once you open your eyes, but you will have gathered some perspective. To help you get started, here’s a list of some suggestions on how you can prioritise your needs:
You are not alone in this. And most importantly, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. Many moms feel the same. There’s nothing shameful about you not satisfied with motherhood or not finding motherhood blissful. Mothers are idolised by society, and those myths are unreal and unhelpful.
“It takes a village to raise a child.” Hence, not the job of a single human being to raise another human being. Don’t hesitate in asking for help from family or friends. Around the house, with the kids, anything- ask for help. Be open about how you feel- be specific in what you need.
Whether you’re a stay-at-home parent or a working mom, alone time is necessary. A day to yourself to do your favourite things is essential to refresh yourself and remind yourself that your needs matter. You can drop kids off at their grandparents’ or ask your partner to take over. Try not to dwell on how your kids may be doing; they will just be fine, trust me.
Accept that there is no such thing as perfection, and pursuing the same will lead you to question your self-worth. So, shed off the desire to be a perfect mom; you are what your child needs. It’s okay if your house is messy or you don’t ALWAYS prepare food at home. Allow your kids to watch the extra show so you can have your tea or coffee in peace. Let them paint to their hearts’ content because this is important for them. Let go of the want to be perfect- you are doing the best you can!
‘I hate being a mom’ is not an uncommon thing for moms to say or feel. Although situations lead them to feel so, we are not bad mamas. We are doing the best we can. Society has always put mothers on a pedestal, but it forgets that a mother is as much a human being as the one they are raising. Know that you are not alone. Happy Parenting!
