Today people are involved in numerous ‘situationships’ in the world of dating. Boys and girls or women and men who are involved in a sexual or romantic partnership with no strings attached or with no guarantee for a long-term partnership are basically involved in situational relationships. Such relationships can give quite a fill of the charged mood and interest at the primary stages but can leave the participants with an emotionally unsatisfied hunger for many more facets of relationships. When boundaries and expectations are not clear, it can become challenging to cope. Now, let’s try to describe situational relationships in terms of historical context and coping strategies that will be useful when commitment is unclear.
A situationship is the term derived from a combination of ‘situation’ and ‘relationship’. Now when you are in a relationship, where there is a sexual and/or romantic satisfaction, but no real emotional attachment, that is a situationship. The term is reported to have cropped up around 2006, and the first definitions of the term are to be found in Urban Dictionary. However, it was not until 2017 that the term made its way into the mainstream media and society mainly due to Carina Hseih’s article in Cosmopolitan which is about a grey area relationship where the nature of the romantic-sexual relationship is unclear.
Working as a relationship and intimacy coach, I have worked with countless people as they navigate today’s dating and relationship scene. It is however okay if the two of you feel the same way as to the kind of attention the other requires. But if one of you wants more out of the relationship than the other partner is willing to give, it is time to assess the situation and take action to prevent heartbreak.
It is the story of Sayesha and Arif, two individuals who met through mutual friends. They connected quickly and well, went on dates and spent time with each other. They shared deep intimacy and conversations and had a satisfying physical relationship.
However, despite their closeness, a conversation regarding their long-term intentions remained at bay. Neither Arif nor Sayesha brought up a discussion about their relational needs.
Arif, desiring more clarity and commitment, felt uncertain about where he stood with Sayesha. He questioned whether their connection was simply a casual fling or something more substantial. Whenever Arif attempted to bring up the topic of commitment, Sayesha would deflect or avoid the discussion, leaving Arif confused and unsure about the nature of their relationship.
Throughout their time together, Arif and Sayesha continued to engage in romantic activities and shared intimate moments. However, the absence of clear boundaries and defined expectations left Arif anxious and questioning their future.
In addition, the lack of communication about their intentions created a sense of ambiguity and uncertainty, making their relationship a classic example of a situationship.
Now, many people ask me this question- why don’t they let me go?
I ask them- Would you let go of an unlimited supply of attention and validation without having to return it?
My next question is- You are an adult. Instead of asking, ‘Why don’t they let me go?’ why don’t you ask yourself, ‘Even though I can leave, why am I choosing to stay in this relationship dynamic that is not fulfilling?.’
Situational relationships can have both positive and negative impacts on the individuals involved. The impact on an individual wanting more than just sex or intimacy can be severe. From reduced self-esteem to stunted personal growth, one feels emotional exhaustion, attachment issues, and scepticism about the possibility of finding a committed partner.
On the one hand, they can provide choices and options for people to become independent, advance in career, and enjoy companionship without necessarily being tied down, emotionally, that is. They can provide a space for self-discovery and experimentation, which can appeal to some individuals.
It is also true that situational relationships lack clarity and defined expectations which can lead to confusion, emotional uncertainty and potential misunderstandings. Lack of commitment can result in one or both members of the relationship feeling insecure, jealous and dissatisfied.
An open and honest conversation about their needs is paramount to navigating the complex dynamics of a situationship. The partners have to state what they want in a relationship and whether they can give to each other what is desired.
Suggested Reading: 10 Tips For Effective Communication In A New Relationship
Boundaries in the situationship need to be defined explicitly so that both parties are on the same page. Talking about the level of comfort, readiness to be emotionally open, expectations on being monogamous, how often the couple should call each other, and plan can also help these two individuals to feel secure with each other and realise each other’s expectations.
It is all possible to talk about if both understand who they are and what they require in a relationship or companionship. This way they are in tune with how they are wired in relationships, get to clarify what they are looking for in a partner and assess where they need to grow.
Here are some examples of situations that might indicate unclear commitment and how one can cope with it:
Often you discover yourself making all the efforts towards nurturing the relationship while the other person seems indifferent or lacking enthusiasm. Essentially, you are the one to start talking first, set dates and be flexible to do so while your partner does not. This one sided approach can be viewed as imbalance, which may mean that the situationship does not serve or satisfy both parties.
Your partner uses you sparingly and keeps you away, spending limited time with you or only when he or she feels like it. They might have things that are more important in their life than you or just blow you off when you ask for more of their time. Perceiving chronically being treated as unimportant or thought about only when something else better concerns the person may make one realise that the situationship does not fulfil the needs of affection and camaraderie.
There is constant ambiguity regarding your partner’s stance or the outlook of the relationship. They may tell you that they care about you and even fail to bring up topics of commitment or issues of the future. This may cause communication breaks and produce mixed signals that are not easy to reconcile hence leading to lack of trust and security in the relationship.
Despite spending time and emotions in the situationship, there appears no signs of development in that connection. It feels stagnant, with no signs of moving forward or evolving into a more committed partnership. If you wish to have a deeper emotional connection and see no potential growth, then it is time to look for other possibilities.
Your partner constantly struggles to meet your emotional needs. They can be either uninterested or unable to offer the amount of support or reassurance and the kind of emotional exposure that a working relationship requires. This situation means that you are in a situational relationship but your emotional needs are not getting satisfied.
What is important for you to remember here is that a situational relationship with non-defined boundaries, expectations, and commitment has no bearing on someone’s emotional availability quotient.
People in situational relationships choose to be in one. Without an open and clear dialogue on the topic of commitment, one cannot know in what direction they want to take this relationship.
Suggested Reading: Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships: A Guide to Healthy Connections
You only come to the realisation that the future, as far as committed relationships are concerned, is completely different from what your partner wants. To build a family one of the partners may be willing while the other does not. One partner may wish to relocate because of a career while the other is not willing to do so. If you find that you cannot work these issues out or maybe you cannot see the path that both of you want to be on, then it may be best that you seek a relationship that aligns with your goals.
A situational relationship lies somewhere between casual dating and committed partnerships, marked by the absence of clear boundaries and defined expectations. While they offer freedom and flexibility, situationships can create uncertainty and emotional ambiguity. By facilitating open and honest communication and being attuned to personal needs and aspirations, individuals can find their way through the intricacies of a situational relationship, learning what truly fulfils them in matters of the heart.
