I used to think self-love was about coffee dates with self and spa days. Instagram made it look that way– pretty candles, bubble baths, and people sipping smoothies in yoga pants.
But the truth is: self-love is much less glamorous, and far more urgent. It’s the voice that tells you “enough” when you’re overworking yourself. It’s the boundary that says “no” even though people might call you difficult. It’s the quiet reminder that you are more than how others see you.
For years, I confused self-love with selfishness. Of course I would, because that’s what we have been fed– the idea of self-care and self-love as something being selfish. Caring for myself felt like I was not attentive towards my family, my partner, my children.
And I know I’m not alone. Because from where we come, giving is the only way to be. Giving is the only way people will love or appreciate you.
But here’s what I’ve learned the hard way: selfishness is when you believe only your needs matter. Self-love is when you believe your needs matter too. That “too” changes everything.
If you’ve ever waited for someone else’s approval to feel good about yourself, you know the emptiness that follows. Praise may feel like everything. Being known to cater to others’ needs, being available 24/7, always putting up a happy face in front of others, and putting others first even when your heart is screaming NO. Why? Because the validation, the praise makes you feel like you are the centre of everyone’s love and choice.
Without self-love, you overthink every decision, accept the bare minimum in relationships, feel guilty for resting, stay small even when you’re capable of more. And the worst part? You lose sight of who you really are, because you’re too busy trying to be who others want you to be.
For me, self-love started in tiny moments. No, not journaling with rose gold pens—just sitting alone and asking myself: “What do I need today?” Sometimes the answer was sleep. Sometimes it was saying no to a call or a social obligation. Sometimes it was ordering food from outside without guilt when I didn’t like what was made at home. And sometimes, it was standing up for myself in the face of unreasonable demands.
It wasn’t just those practices. Self-love also showed in the way I took responsibility of how my behaviour affected the ones closest to me– my husband, my children, and my family. Self-love also reflected in the recognition of the delayed awareness and wisdom, and opening myself up to new possibilities and knowledge.
Little by little, those small and big choices rebuilt my confidence. A knowing that I don’t have to earn love by over-giving or over-staying. That I don’t have to prove my worth by over-achieving. Self-love taught me that wholeness doesn’t come from another person. It starts from me. Self-love also taught me that I had yet to learn a lot.
Self-love won’t come from a single book, a single therapist, or a single blog post. But it can start right here, right now, with one decision: to stop abandoning yourself. Say no when you mean no. Rest without guilt. Surround yourself with people who clap for you. Leave rooms where your voice isn’t respected. Be open to learning better. Be open to admitting your mistakes and evolving.
Remind yourself daily: I am not too much. I am not too little. I am enough.
Self-love isn’t selfish. It’s survival. Because when you treat yourself with care, you’re not only healing your own wounds—you’re showing your children, your friends, your partner, that they can do the same.
And that’s how we break the cycle of doubt, criticism, and silence we grew up in. Not with more sacrifices. Not with more pretending. But with love—for ourselves first.
If this resonated with you, stay with me here at Mindfulsome. We talk about the quiet, messy, and real ways we grow—together.
