Originally posted on Quora (shorter version)
We use the word “love” so often that it almost loses its meaning. We say we love a person, a song, a meal, a memory — and somewhere along the way, we stop asking what love actually is. What does it truly mean to love and to be loved?
The older I grow, the more I realise that understanding love begins not with defining what it is, but with identifying what it is not. Because much of what we call love often stems from fear, attachment, validation, or habit. It may look like love, feel like love, and even sound like love, but it isn’t.
1. Anything that becomes an unhealthy obsession is not love.
When you lose yourself trying to hold onto someone, when your days revolve entirely around how they make you feel or how much attention they give you, that isn’t love — that’s dependence.
2. What doesn’t feel reciprocated is not love.
If you’re the only one trying, apologising, or saving the relationship, it’s not love. Love can’t survive on one person’s effort; it requires two people choosing each other, every day.
3. What doesn’t add to your life — emotionally, mentally, or spiritually — is not love.
If the relationship drains you more than it nourishes you, if it breaks your confidence, your peace, and your spirit, it’s not love.
4. What makes you beg for crumbs of attention, affection, or intimacy is not love.
Love isn’t about earning someone’s presence. It’s about being met halfway — with care, with intention, and with respect.
5. Anything that turns you into a worse version of yourself is not love.
Love should help you become kinder, more patient, and more whole — not bitter, insecure, or anxious.
6. Anything that makes you forsake your well-wishers, your individuality, or your inner peace is not love.
It is control, manipulation, or attachment disguised as devotion.
7. A relationship that suffocates you, silences you, or makes you feel small is not love.
It may once have been passionate or exciting, but if it now leaves you walking on eggshells, it’s no longer love — it’s fear.
8. Anything that forces you to betray yourself, your needs, or your self-respect is not love.
Love, in its truest form, makes you a better person. It inspires growth without demanding change. It brings peace without dulling passion. It encourages you to explore your individuality while still belonging to something shared and sacred.
Love makes you feel loved, respected, and wanted. It makes you feel safe — emotionally, mentally, and physically. It doesn’t confuse you or leave you guessing. Instead, it offers stability, calm, and clarity.
In real love, there is room for both “you” and “us.” It allows space for individuality without guilt, boundaries without fear, and silence without distance. There’s mutual effort, honest communication, and mindful repair after every disagreement.
True love doesn’t mean the absence of conflict — it means the presence of care. You may argue, but you won’t destroy each other in the process. You may differ, but you’ll still hold space for each other’s truth.
When there is true love, there’s no constant self-doubt, no emotional chaos, and no power struggle. There’s trust, consistency, and peace. There’s effort that feels natural — not forced.
Love is not about grand gestures; it’s about daily respect. It’s not about butterflies; it’s about balance. It’s not about losing yourself; it’s about finding yourself again, this time more whole, more grounded, and more alive.
Maybe it’s time we stop romanticising the kind of love that hurts, confuses, or consumes us. Maybe it’s time we stop mistaking attachment for depth, and chaos for chemistry.
Because love — real love — doesn’t demand that you give up your self-respect to keep the peace. It doesn’t make you choose between your heart and your dignity. It doesn’t drain your energy; it refuels it.
True love makes you feel more at home within yourself. It allows you to breathe easier, laugh louder, and live better.
So, if something doesn’t bring peace, stability, and security into your life, it’s not love — no matter how much you want it to be.
Love, when it’s right, won’t make you question yourself. It will remind you of who you are.
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