Signs of emotional unavailability | Are you emotionally unavailable | How to be emotionally available
I came across the fact that humans can experience over 34,000 emotions. Did you know that?
And this brings me to my next question- Are you comfortable with expressing your emotions? And if not, do you ever wonder how to be emotionally available?
Let’s get to it in a while. But first, we shall try to understand the hype over emotional availability and how to be emotionally available.
We often find it challenging to express our emotions in a way that conveys what we intend to say without the other person.
Emotional availability describes the ability to maintain an emotional bond in a relationship. The existence of emotional connections in intimate relationships is the maxim. However, emotionally unavailable people may find it challenging to be emotionally responsive and receptive.
Therefore, the need for emotional availability in an intimate relationship becomes all the more essential. Suppose you have been dating for over six months, and your partner seems to be shying away from delving deep into conversations about emotional experiences. They may be open about their interests and life but may not ask about yours.
Their lack of investment may leave you wondering whether they want you or not. But your involvement continues. Worse, it may revolve around their acknowledgement and validation. So you may end up reeling in a puzzle of feelings for you.
They probably love you the same, but their emotional unavailability becomes the villain.
Recognising emotional unavailability in your partner can be tricky; you may think they are too busy to invest in the relationship. Or they probably have their problems to deal with. Your partner sometimes makes you feel great about yourself, and you may find their inconsistency charming and inviting. You may reason their literal unavailability to be them being invested in their life. But intimacy or emotional connection may always seem like a distant element in your relationship.
The following signs can help you recognise the emotional unavailability in your partner:
Emotionally unavailable people often show less interest in making big or small plans. They may enthusiastically agree to your suggestion, and you ask them what time works best for them. They say- “Let me get back to you.’ When the time comes, they have a big excuse why they cannot make it.
The person may even cancel the reservations without asking or telling you.
Or insist they are not looking for anything serious or are not fully in.
They suggest you keep the options open and avoid defining the relationship.
Emotionally unavailable people may struggle with opening up to you emotionally. They tend to avoid any hard conversation. The communication with an emotionally unavailable partner may sound like you are talking TO them and not WITH them. They either have no responses to your expressions, or they are inattentive.
People struggling with emotional unavailability stick to the surface level of communication and avoid anything that may require their emotional involvement.
They may not be doing it on purpose but speaking up about their feelings can be a huge task. They expect closeness and intimacy but avoid expressing fear they may get hurt. This leads them to appear as entirely closed off. Your efforts at exchanging emotional responses may lead them to push you away or return to their shell.
While they are struggling with opening up about their feelings, they may avoid asking how and what you are feeling. Instead, they are more likely to digress or shift the conversation to a lighter topic. They lack emotional awareness not just for themselves but for others as well. Emotionally unavailable people cannot put the finger on what others may be feeling. Recognising what may have caused a certain response or reaction can be challenging. As a result, they evade asking about your feelings.
Because emotionally unavailable people struggle with recognising their and others’ feelings, they may find it equally hard to empathise with someone. They struggle with forming a mindful response to someone sharing their emotional experience with them. An emotionally unavailable partner may take to pulling away from you, as empathising with someone requires reflecting upon their emotional experiences and how your feeling impacts them.
When confronted with a question of what they are looking for in this relationship, they mostly have no response. Talking with an emotionally unavailable partner is like walking on eggshells; some days, it’s an open expression of affection, and for some days, it’s hesitation. They claim to want a relationship, but their actions do not match their words.
Someone emotionally unavailable may fear intimacy. Intimacy is the closeness between people in personal relationships and sharing their innermost feelings and thoughts.
An emotionally unavailable person shies away from being vulnerable and sharing their deepest feelings with their partner. Understandably, vulnerability comes with the discomfort of distrust, oversharing, being hurt, or being taken advantage of. This may cause people to be distant from being open about their deep thoughts and desires with their partner. Resultantly, their emotional unavailability makes the partner keep guessing.
Lack of physical affection or eye contact can indicate emotional unavailability, but it’s not a steadfast rule. Avoiding or dodging any intimate conversation may make you feel like they don’t trust you. But, mostly, it’s nothing personal from their end. They are merely used to relying on themselves and not delving too deep into personal stuff with anyone.
Emotionally unavailable people rarely initiate a conversation that discusses relationship dynamics, emotional experiences, hurt feelings, or behaviour changes. Instead, they get defensive or blame you for reading too much into the matter.
As a result, they may fail to understand how the situation has impacted you. Trusting others is challenging for them, and they end up detaching themselves from you altogether.
Maybe you could relate to the above signs. You may have noticed some of those traits in your personality or in your past relationships. Maybe your former partners pointed out these traits to you, but you never took notice.
Emotional unavailability doesn’t mean you are bad or have done something wrong. You may not have fully realised how your emotional awareness shows up in relationships. Take a look at some of these signs in yourself:
It doesn’t have anything to do with the plans you may have made reluctantly with your relatives or distant friends. But when it comes to executing the commitments with your partner, you may end up cancelling plans.
You can reflect upon why you feel the need to avoid spending time with your partner when you enthusiastically say yes to the plans.
In what can be a committed relationship, you continue going on dates. However, instead of going exclusive or committing to one partner or your primary partner.
Maybe you are looking for the right partner, and that’s why you’re not settling, but this approach shall limit your ability to dedicate your time and energy to someone you care for. It’s not ALWAYS possible to find your perfect partner, and this shouldn’t stop you from having a meaningful relationship. No one is perfect, and neither are you. The concept of finding perfection in your partner and yourself disallow you to accept people as they are and how you are.
It’s natural for you not to feel like yourself in the presence of someone new in your life. If you are independent, then you may have a fear of losing yourself or your independence. You like doing certain things your way and wouldn’t like or accept someone doing those things differently. You don’t like to change yourself or your schedule for someone else.
While there’s nothing wrong with it, not allowing space to your partner may make them think they have no significance in your life.
Remember, every relationship requires enough time to explore and learn to create a balance between life as a couple and an individual. Recognise your fear and allow yourself the time and space to reach that balance step by step.
There’s no one factor as to why they may be emotionally unavailable. Emotional unavailability can stem from various reasons.
Childhood attachment with the caregivers or parents plays a significant role in shaping your emotional awareness and availability.
If you had caregivers who neglected your basic emotional needs or didn’t take an interest in your feelings, you might have absorbed the same attachment model in your relationships.
A recent breakup after a long-term relationship may result in emotional unavailability. Relationship pain can make being vulnerable with a new partner tough. This may happen if you are dealing with:
These feelings may discourage you from opening up and being intimate with someone new in your life.
Emotional unavailability may also stem from these temporary circumstances, which can be resolved through effective communication with your partner.
What should be the next step? How can you or your partner be emotionally available? Before we answer this, we should understand that emotional unavailability doesn’t have to be your permanent nature. Sure, it’s a complex issue; many underlying issues threaten to surface, which may be harder to overcome.
Understand, change happens only when the person wants to work on it. No one can be forced into bringing a change in themselves.
If you are working with your partner, then you can implement these strategies:
If you are working towards being emotionally available, you can practice the following tips:
Exploring the basic issues and causes can give you an insight into how to deal with emotional unavailability.
Unless you have recognised your emotional triggers, root causes, and their impact on your emotional state, you cannot actively work on them.
For example, you have gone through a bad breakup. And instead of working towards healing and letting the process take its due course, you jump into another relationship. All your unresolved issues will resurface with your partner.
In the case of more complex issues, like childhood neglect, you may need to connect with a therapist who will help you cope with the trauma or abuse.
Breaking down the walls, you may have put up over the years takes intentional practice. Time doesn’t heal everything because an individual has to put in their efforts.
The next step after recognising your emotional triggers is to practice opening up. Little by little, step by step, you can begin opening up about what’s bothering you. Allow yourself the time to process the concerning issue and seek the help of your partner to talk about it.
Take a look at this emotion wheel to improve your emotional vocabulary. This way, you can communicate your feelings more specifically to your partner.
Photo Source: Google
The most important step in working on being emotionally available is practising compassion with the self. Give yourself the chance to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. When you are compassionate towards yourself, you tend to develop a gentler understanding of your partner’s emotional experiences.
Self-compassion allows you to receive your partner’s feelings with empathy and mindfulness.
Whatever you are feeling or whatever emotional experience you are encountering, remember to include your partner in your feelings. It doesn’t mean that you involve them in your experience. Communicate with them about how a certain situation makes you feel. Accept the support or encouragement they offer. Include them in your decision-making process, and listen to their opinions. In the case of disagreements or arguments, don’t shut yourself off; discuss it more openly when the tide has calmed down.
Interacting with people in healthy relationships can help you see how they communicate with their partners. One of the major signs of emotional availability in healthy relationships is that they put active effort into listening to one another. Partners value each other. In the case of disagreements, they do not dismiss one another with a rude wave or words. Instead, they take time off to cool down and return to the conversation. They understand each other’s triggers and approach the subject accordingly. Observe emotionally available people so you can incorporate certain behaviours within yourself.
No one is perfect. Even the most emotionally available people will not always say the perfect things. They will not always remember boundaries and will sometimes get into arguments.
It’s the acknowledgement of your behaviour that will make the difference. When you acknowledge your part in transforming yourself, you tend to take responsibility for your actions. Resultantly, opening up becomes rather simpler.
“I am sorry for the way I acted.”
“I should have responded gently.”
“When I get angry, you move away from the situation and me. I understand that. Please tell me how I can rectify it.”
When you are frustrated with your partner’s emotional unavailability or the other way round, you might be tempted to shift the blame on them- tell them how they have hurt you. But instead of focusing on their action or behaviour, if you shift the narrative to how you are feeling, you may approach the situation more effectively.
Learning to express your feelings and emotions the way you feel will take you a step closer to being emotionally available with your partner. Yes, it takes time to allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your fears and desires with your partner. Practising conscious and intentional opening up will help you pull down the walls brick by brick.
Most people let their problems remain there in the relationship. But if you have recognised that you may need help, don’t hesitate to ask for it and get it. Speak with a couples counsellor or a professional therapist. Make sure you seek help sooner than later because working with years of damage may get more arduous than it seems. The patterns are deep-rooted within the relationship and reflected as second nature in the partners. It’s always better to speak with a professional once you recognise the need for change.
Emotional unavailability stems from several reasons. But emotional availability is conscious choice partners make for a healthy and secure relationship. So it’s wise to understand the need to be vulnerable, share feelings with your partner in a relationship and work towards the common goal of a healthy relationship.
