Stonewalling refers to withdrawing from the communication- argument or discussion, shutting down and closing oneself off from the speaker. Before we diagnose how the last of the four horsemen stonewalling is a big threat to the relationship, let us understand why people stonewall.
People in a relationship take to stonewalling their partner because they feel overwhelmed or physiologically and emotionally flooded during an argument or an uncomfortable topic. They build a wall between themselves and their partner.
A person stonewalling will be unresponsive, tuning out, turning away from their partner, or engaging in anything but the matter. However, stonewalling becomes a regular habit for dealing with their overwhelming.
Stonewalling can be frustrating, hurting, and severely damaging to the relationship. But taking time to think and stonewalling are two different things. Taking time off from the situation has the intention, timing, and motive, whereas stonewalling is simply the person shutting down during the interaction to avoid discomfort.
The essence of stonewalling is that it causes the other person to feel abandoned, unheard, and hurt. It also often leaves the recipient of stonewalling feeling misunderstood, invisible, and unacknowledged.
“Stonewalling is defined as a. To engage in delaying tactics; stall: b. To refuse to answer or cooperate. The best description I’ve read of stonewalling comes from, Jeffrey J. Pipe, PsyD.”In relationships, stonewalling is the emotional equivalent to cutting off someone’s oxygen. The emotional detachment inherent to stonewalling is a form of abandonment and the effect that it has on a spouse is dramatic. The initial feelings of terror which are usually below the water line of awareness are typically followed by secondary feelings of anger and, then, aggressive efforts to get some emotional reaction any emotional reaction even a negative one. And when these efforts fail, the internal response for your spouse is predictable. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t love me. He’s left me.” What exactly does stonewalling look like in a marriage? From the description above, emotional detachment and feelings of abandonment leave the victim spouse reeling with doubt, anger, and doubt of an emotional connection with their spouse.”
Taking a short break during the argument is a conscious and mutually-agreed upon the decision to take some time off. It involves self-reflection and ensues personal growth. Partners take time off to return to the problem with much more clarity and a calm mind.
Taking time to think is a sign of excellent communication, whereas stonewalling leads to broken communication. Both are different and bring dissimilar outcomes.
How can you identify stonewalling?
This article further discusses stonewalling in a relationship and its damaging and emotional effects. If you are the one stonewalling in a relationship, then this article will help you identify your behaviours. Let’s begin with what stonewalling looks like in relationships.
Usually, stonewalling in a relationship is obvious. One of the partners shuts down or wears a deaf ear to avoid discomfort. However, it can be as subtle as their obsessive behaviours like- jittery hands, shaking legs, bouncing the knee, forgetfulness, anxiety attack, etc. You can identify the following signs of stonewalling:
While stonewalling in a relationship can be hurtful and harmful, it is not necessarily ill-intended. People don’t always do it to spite or hurt their significant other. At its very core, stonewalling is fear, anxiety, or frustration borne. Some common causes why a person may stonewall their partner cover:
There are a couple of ways that stonewalling may appear in the relationship. It may both be intentional and unintentional. While unintentional stonewalling may be learned during the argument, intentional stonewalling may be emotional abuse.
Usually, stonewalling is a learned behaviour an individual may have acquired during childhood to deal with difficult emotional issues. This reflects further in their relationships. People who stonewall do so to avoid the issue escalating or becoming an uncomfortable topic. They also might fear their partner’s reaction. It may look like they are taking time off the issue, but it is not. They are blocking themselves from being further discomforted by the interaction.
In severe cases, stonewalling may be intentional and used to manipulate a situation, maintain control over the partner, or foisting punishment. Stonewalling is not, and nor is it limited to, the silent treatment. In the abusive form, the abuser uses stonewalling as one of the tactics to control the victim, They do it either by going completely silent or isolating the victim from external support. Because stonewalling is not just a silent treatment, it can take the form of verbal/emotional abuse.
There are emotional effects of stonewalling on your relationships if it goes unaddressed and unresolved. Because stonewalling makes it difficult for the partners to address the issue, it can lead to big fights arising out of small chasms.
The stonewalled partner’s severe frustration may lead to a rather alarming disagreement. Resultantly, stonewalling causes problems and also compounds the existing ones.
The stonewalled partner may feel invalidated, ignored, and unheard. They may feel their opinions being thwarted and their self-esteem wounded.
Here are some emotional effects of stonewalling that may tear your relationship apart:
In a healthy relationship, partners feel connected. But stonewalling renders one of the partners feeling isolated. One partner refuses to lend a listening ear and sort out the issue, and the other may feel lonely. The stonewalled partner feels invisible and unheard. The metaphorical wall between them pushes them away, and the emotional intimacy gets sabotaged. The stonewalling partner may be disturbed, emotionally overwhelmed, and distracted. They may need help figuring out what to do. And eventually, it isolates the partners from each other.
It is important to be heard, acknowledged, and validated by someone you love. While every relationship has problems, a lack of problem-solving approach incites anger within the partner. And anger is not directed at the person stonewalling but at oneself for allowing to be treated in that manner. The person who is stonewalled feels that they are not worthy of love, hence, the anger towards themselves.
A consistent build-up of resentment is another emotional effect of stonewalling. The person before you, whom you once loved, has left you lonely and invalidated. This causes resentment to build up in the relationship.
It becomes natural to start hating their partner when they feel their emotional needs are unmet. Stonewalling can become one of the most common reasons for divorce or separation as resentment intensifies over time.
Stonewalling involves ignoring your partner’s opinions, thoughts, or concerns striking at their self-esteem. The person stonewalling will refuse to partake in the interaction, let alone approach the issue to resolve it. When the person acts to be or is uninterested, refusing to communicate with you, your self-esteem feels thwarted. Whether intentional or unintentional, stonewalling in a relationship directly attacks the person’s self-esteem.
However, it’s not just the stonewalled in the relationship but the one stonewalling who begins to have low self-esteem. They find themselves in no position to handle or manage the situation. This may make them question their self-worth and clarity about themselves. As a result, they retract to their cocoon, avoiding uncomfortable situations and subjects.
Intimacy accounts for one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. Stonewalling assures decreased intimacy between the partners. The chemistry that once ignited passion between the two seems to have faded. Lack of intimacy may awaken the partners to stop and introspect about what went wrong in their relationship and communication. Sometimes, decreased intimacy forces the partners to address the issue and seek solutions or help from external sources.
When one partner withdraws from engaging in tough conversation with you, the other person questions whether they can trust their partner. They find themselves being blocked away from sharing their fears, concerns, thoughts, and opinions with their partner because they see them refusing to interact. As a person feels ignored or invisible during communication, their self-doubt leads to trust issues. Adding to the relationship problems, the ability to hold a conversation gets lost. Hence, goes the chance to understand and be understood, support and be supported, and validate and be validated.
Stonewalling can cause a relationship’s end. Nobody should put up with being unheaded or rendered invisible in an intimate relationship. Stonewalling restricts partners from being emotionally available to one another. Being unable to be present with your partner can be why your relationship may end. Whether or not stonewalling is intentional, your partner will be severely affected. You may think that you have dodged an argument by stonewalling them, but you have been planting red flags in your relationship. The emotional effects of stonewalling can become too much for your partner leading to the end of the relationship.
