On my way back to Jammu, I had the opportunity to interact with an intellectually amazing and wise person, a PhD. And a veterinarian.
We spoke about the concept of love and arranged marriage, highlighting the nature of differing familial involvement. Dr. made an excellent point about how love marriages fail in India because the familial pressure on the couple, primarily the man, is to ensure he stays connected with the family more than his wife.
In Indian society, love marriages do not survive for long due to a lack of acceptance from the husband’s family. The wife is under the constant radar of the elders. One miss and there goes the blaring warning signs of how the new daughter-in-law is a bigger threat than the nuclear war.
The mother feels threatened that her son would now not listen to her. She has to assert her authority on her son by being extra available in his life, caring, and over-protective.
The mother’s strong influence can make it hard for the couple to decide independently. The spouse might feel ignored or undervalued, as the mother’s opinions always seem to come first. It blows their confidence and sense of empowerment within the marriage.
The excessive involvement of the mother-in-law can create tension and conflict between the son and his wife. The wife may feel overshadowed or unimportant, leading to resentment and difficulty maintaining a healthy and harmonious relationship.
Instead of dealing with the fact that her son is now a married man with another woman in his life, with whom he will build a family of his own, she makes it a point to re-assert her value in his mind. She struggles with the insecurity of being left out of her son’s life.
There is another pressure on the husband to maintain the connection with his wife and the mother. The son may experience a strong sense of obligation towards his mother’s wishes and expectations.
Her over-involvement can create a feeling of guilt if he deviates from her desires or decisions, leading to inner conflicts and a constant need to please both his spouse and his mother.
The son may struggle to set healthy boundaries. It’s like he’s stuck in a web of dependency, torn between his wife and his mother. The wife might feel they’re constantly competing for his attention and affection.
If he listens to the wife, he is henpecked. Women of the house shame the man for caring and loving towards his wife. And because the man does not like to be called someone under his wife’s thumb, he puts unrealistic restrictions on the wife-
‘Wake up before my mother does, so she likes you and thinks of you as a ‘Sanskaari Bahu’; cook food for everyone every time so no one speaks ill of you; wear clothes that cover the whole of your body, don’t work till too late, don’t have male friends, or don’t stay out of the house till late even if it’s for work.’
All these restrictions reflect his inability to establish a better connection between his parents and his wife. Eventually, they take a far worse form- his insecurities. If unsatisfied, he would react emotionally immaturely- often picking fights with his wife, raising his hands at her, and abusing her verbally.
The man who brought his wife to his home after fighting insurmountable battles becomes completely indifferent to and unaware of what she feels. Because now, he needs to prove to his parents that he made the right choice.
The wife, on the other hand, is done with the oppression. The only person she could count on became her nemesis. She wants nothing more than to leave the man she loves so much.
Hence, failed love marriage.
In the face of the family’s over-involvement in their son’s married life, one must ponder: Does this interference hinder the son’s personal growth and autonomy? How can he navigate the delicate balance between loyalty to his family, especially his mother and the needs of his marriage? And ultimately, what path will he choose to forge, one that honours his aspirations and fosters a thriving relationship? The answers lie within, waiting to be discovered through self-reflection, communication, and the courage to chart his path.
