As much as we would like to jump right to the true agendas of the relationship, there is a very helpful conversation individuals often neglect to have with themselves. This internal conversation can be considered similar to the pre-game pep talk, in which people gather their thoughts and feelings in order to have a constructive discussion.
Consider it as the pre-game strategy session before an important match. This inner conversation is the basis for successful communication. In this article, we’ll explore the importance of self-reflection and emotional preparation and how it can enhance your discussions with your partner. So, let’s get down to the basics of this self-talk and understand why connecting with our significant other is a game-changer.
Couples often find it difficult to engage in important conversations since such conversations are usually emotional. The feelings involved can also be intense when issues are personally significant, such as finances, plans, or unresolved conflicts. It is also not easy to remain very composed and less emotional when giving your argument throughout the conversation.
Further, the perceived fear of conflict and possible negative effects on the relationship may result in people’s reluctance to engage in such discussions or intense emotional responses in case of the decisions taken.
In addition, other factors, such as how one was raised, past communication patterns, and the fear of vulnerability, can further complicate the process, making it crucial to develop the art of inner conversation to navigate these discussions more effectively.
Now, let’s explore why having an inner conversation is the first step in addressing these challenges and unlocking effective partner communication.
Meaningful interactions with your partner are always the messages you intend to pass and the outcomes expected of the conversation. The inner conversation is your chance to get to the heart of the matter. It’s when you pinpoint the root cause and your motivations, making it clear why this is such a crucial conversation.
When you’ve figured out the heart of the matter, setting clear objectives for the upcoming discussion is essential. These objectives guide the conversation and align you and your partner towards a common goal, ensuring your exchange is meaningful and purposeful.
Timing is critical when it comes to executing important discussions. Choose a time when both of you can sit together and there is enough time for both of you to converse adequately. Furthermore, it is good to factor in the preferred mode and channel of your partner in case you have to engage in a sensitive discussion.
Many meaningful conversations involve emotions and feelings. However, if one reacts without pausing, it can provoke conflict and misunderstandings. Techniques for dealing with feelings and emotional responses can be practised internally. Measures such as taking deep breaths, engaging in self-reflection, and performing other mindfulness activities can assist the person in maintaining their composure. Most importantly, couples can practise recognising when their reactions are going to get the best of them and taking a pause before responding.
Effective communication is about speaking and listening. During your inner dialogue, remind yourself of the importance of active listening. Make an effort to listen to him or her, focusing on their words, tone and body language. This fosters more intimacy and understanding.
Empathy can help make the discussion successful. You should attempt to see things from the partner’s side, heed him/her, and accept his/her emotions. For example, if your partner feels he/she has too much work to do, instead of giving solutions, you might say, “That sounds really tough, I can understand why you feel that way.” This leaves a space where they open up and could share about their feelings and emotions.
Also, read- 5 Strategies to Overcome Emotional Disconnection in Relationships and Reconnect
Words are a major factor in conversations; most of the time, it changes the course of the conversation, especially if you talk about something important or something sensitive. You can give an emphasis by way of “I” statements instead of focusing on words that will make it sound like blame. For example, “You never listen to me,” when in fact, a better way of saying this would be, “I feel unheard when we talk.” That makes all the difference to keep the conversation open and calm. Your inner conversation should remind you to be on the lookout for careful choice of words since your words can influence how your partner will feel, and therefore the conversation will be positive and productive.
Your tone and body language are equally as important as the words you’re using. Even if you say the right thing, a harsh or aggressive tone can screw up the message. For example, if you are arguing with a friend, “I just want to understand your side” you might just say this, but your impatient tone or your arms crossed at the sides send mixed signals. Rather, an open and friendly tone with open body language tends to encourage a more open and understanding conversation. Warm tones keep both parties open-minded and promote further communication.
The words that you choose should suggest finding solutions and solving/ understanding problems rather than focusing on them. Ensure a forward-looking approach to encourage collaboration and resolution.
Do not try to guess how your partner will react, what they are going to do next, or who they are. For instance, avoid saying to your partner, ‘This is always the case’ or ‘You never do that’ because it causes the other person to become defensive, thus reducing their ability to communicate effectively.
Expressing appreciation and acknowledging your partner’s positive qualities and efforts can create a more receptive atmosphere. Begin by being affirming before addressing his or her concerns, by saying how much you love or appreciate him or her.
If your partner appears bewildered or hurt by anything you’ve said, it is okay to ask for clarification. Help your partner share his or her thoughts and emotions and be willing to adjust your words as needed to ensure mutual understanding.
It refers to handling situations when your partner exhibits reluctance, defensiveness, or opposition during important or difficult conversations. Here’s an explanation of this aspect:
When you discuss a challenging topic with your partner, it’s not uncommon for them to exhibit resistance in various forms. They might become defensive, try to avoid the subject, or even shut down. Managing this resistance is one of the most important elements that should be taken into account in the communication framework.
Rather than pushing your partner to open up or become more receptive immediately, it’s essential to approach them with patience and empathy. Understand that resistance is born of discomfort or even fear, and accept how they see it as well.
Confronting resistance with more forceful arguments or demands will likely escalate the situation. Instead, create a non-confrontational and safe environment where your partner feels comfortable expressing their concerns.
Actively listen to your partner’s resistance. It’s important to acknowledge their perspective even if it can’t be considered right, accurate, or correct. By listening carefully to them, it will be easier to find out what makes them resistant to change. This may be their fear or concern about the change being implemented.
Listening attentively is one of the most crucial relational skills people should learn and apply in their everyday relationships. Without it, you are not able to talk to anyone or engage in a conversation with anyone. In romantic relationships, especially when you are about to have a difficult or significant conversation, your partner wants to feel validated and heard. And so do you. Active and empathetic listening skills will help you reach the middle ground without resentment.
Acknowledge your partner’s concerns and emotions. Tell them that you get what they are saying and that it is alright to feel that way. This acknowledgement can reduce their defensiveness and create space for a more open conversation. People will always have something to say about issues you want to discuss or the considerations you presented to them.
The reason for this internal dialogue is also only because you are aware of the fact that it will impact your partner in a certain way. Therefore, there is a need to acknowledge their concerns as they come up in the conversation.
It is also important to try and focus on the similarities, on what can be described as common grounds and shared goals. Work only on issues you both have a similar stand on or have a common ground in so that you can begin to brainstorm for the best solution and acceptable compromise.
Reassure your partner that the goal of the conversation is not to criticise or blame but to strengthen the relationship. Let them know you’re open to their perspective and value their input. The topic of conversation may be heavy for them. So, reassuring them that you both are a team and on one side is important.
If your partner reacts rebelliously, or gets offended,remain patient and understanding. It is also good not to be too forceful and demanding. Encourage open conversations and listen to your partner’s concerns.
At the end of the conversation come up with a positive note that will close the conversation politely and in a friendly manner, and both you and your partner are in agreement. It is simply a recap of the issues that were raised, action plans considered or agreed on, and the last, but not the least the expression of affection. They make this phase crucial for renewing the bond and for reminding the other that the talk was an attempt towards building a stronger and more harmonious connection with your partner.
Mastering the art of inner conversation before engaging in significant discussions is like laying the foundation for effective partner communication. By understanding the core issue, having clear goals and objectives, planning the conversation, actively listening, and being empathetic, choosing the right words to address the conflict and handling resistance, you open the doors for not only building a healthier relationship with the recipient but also to learn how you both can maintain and enhance the healthier pattern of your relationship. Open and empathetic communication is the key to overcoming challenges and deepening your connection with your partner. Therefore, go ahead, have that crucial discussion and watch your relationship flourish.
