I read a dozen articles before starting to write this one. Articles on lifestyle blogs read something like ‘8 signs you are gay’ or ‘your dreams tell you you are not straight’. Essays on psychology websites delved deeper and gave a wider insight into an individual’s sexual orientation. But no single piece can tell you exactly the signs you’re not straight or bisexual or belong to LGBTQ.
After studying the subject and personal experiences, I have clearly understood one thing. Sexuality is not static. It’s not something you know one time and for a lifetime. Sexuality is as dynamic as the climate. It may remain the same for as long as you live. Or it may change as you grow old.
The society we live in expects most of us to be straight, in heterosexual relationships, not identify ourselves as anything beyond our biologically assigned sex.
And truly do we grow thinking that we are straight only to understand that we are not.
Sexual fantasies with the same gender as us, sexual dreams with an individual of the same gender, is not necessarily the evidence for our sexual orientation.
Similarly, no sexual experience with the same sex also doesn’t mean you are straight. There are different types of sexualities explained all over the internet. And here, we shall carefully understand the signs you’re not straight.
As I mentioned earlier, there is never a particular sign(s) to tell whether you are straight or not. Some people may live their entire lives in heterosexual relationships to find out that they were never straight at the age of 70.
You can find thousands of quizzes all over the internet that claim to determine your sexuality. But sadly, there isn’t any test that can figure out your sexual orientation. It’s something you figure out yourself.
The quizzes out there may help you a tad bit initially, like you will begin to question whom you are most attracted towards or who makes you feel alive or complete, etc. But no test says that you qualify as straight or not straight.
The best way to identify yourself is with whatever terms you want to!
There’s no one sign you’re not straight or straight. Likewise, no test, quiz, or criterion tells you that you’re not straight, bisexual or queer.
All you focus on is your feelings. And, besides feelings, you can explore more about different types of sexualities. There are tons of reports, research papers, and essays on sexual orientations that you can read. You can educate yourself more about the meanings of various sexualities.
Understandably, the stigma and shame around any sexual orientation besides heterosexuality is still prevalent. However, it doesn’t stop you from feeling what you feel.
That’s quite a question to ponder upon. There are no particular things that ‘cause’ your sexual orientation. If you think that it may be the magazines you are reading secretly or the sort of porn you may be watching is affecting your sexuality, then my friend, it is not so.
Most of us have been conditioned to think that everything and anything beyond heterosexuality is just not right or natural.
Why we are gay, bisexual, asexual, or anything, for that matter, has no answer. Whether our sexual orientation is by nature or born with it has no significance whatsoever.
All that matters the most is you accept yourself as to how you are and others as to how they are.
Of course not, if you don’t want to. You never have to tell anyone about your sexuality if you are uncomfortable with it or don’t want to.
Telling or not telling someone that you are not straight will make no difference to your sexual orientation. You don’t owe it to anyone.
However, it is completely up to you if you wish to come out to your friends, family, and partner(s).
As I mentioned in the above paragraph, coming out to someone is entirely your decision. The persons you can tell about your sexual orientations are the ones who, you are sure, are accepting and open-minded.
They can be anyone- your close or distant family member, colleague, school friend(s), etc. You can speak with them in person. If you don’t feel comfortable talking in person, you can telephonically via email or text.
Understand that the person you come out to is accepting and can discuss your feelings with carefully.
1. You can begin by watching an LGBTQ+ movie with them or talking about a celebrity who identifies with LGBTQ+
2. “You are important to me, and I would like to tell you something. I have realised that I am bisexual.”
3. “After years of fighting, understanding, I have realised that I am gay. I would appreciate your support.”
4. “I am attracted towards women, and I would like your support.”
5. You can direct them to read an online article(s) guide(s).
My personal experience wasn’t good. In my late teens, I had come out to my mother thinking that she would support me. But her conditioning, circumstances, and thinking made her believe that anything besides heterosexuality was a sin.
It has happened to many of us. Sadly, who we think can support us the best turn out to be the ones to scar us emotionally.
Worse, they may laugh it off or take it as a joke. Some may dismiss it altogether. Some may, instead, convince you that it’s just a phase, or you’re straight only but confused.
So, it may happen that people may not react the way we would want them to or we had expected them to. You can do the following things in case the coming out doesn’t go well:
1. Surround yourself with people who get you:
You can find such people online, social media groups, online forums, communities. Of course, your college or school friends, too, can be supportive of your sexuality. Your online friends can also help you.
2. Know that you are NOT the wrong one:
Please know that having sexuality besides heterosexuality doesn’t make you different, abnormal, or wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual, gay, pansexual, or asexual. What is wrong is intolerance and being unsupportive.
3. Allow them and yourself some space:
I am in my late twenties, and my relationship with my mother has improved. It took her over a decade to come to terms with my sexuality. She listens to me, understands me, supports me in any way she can. Give them space to understand that their initial reaction could be better, and let them know that you would be willing to talk again.
The bottom line is that there are no particular signs you’re not straight. You may have been in relationships with the opposite sex and still be gay. The only things you need to understand are your feelings and that sexuality is not static. Coming to terms with your sexuality is how you can begin the process of understanding yourself better.
You are the one to identify yourself as who you are. In addition, you can find various resource groups online for a deeper insight into your sexual orientation.
