Let’s talk about something we’re not taught to talk about:
Inner work.
When something feels off in a marriage, we often focus on surface-level solutions — better communication, more quality time, and learning each other’s love languages. And those are important, yes.
But sometimes, the real issue isn’t between you and your partner.
It’s inside you.
Or inside them.
Or both.
And no amount of date nights or heartfelt chats can fix what you’re not willing to face within yourself.
I used to think it was this vague, overly-spiritual idea.
But the more I’ve lived, the more I’ve realised — it’s actually incredibly simple. And deeply uncomfortable.
Inner work is just you… getting honest with yourself.
I’d like to ask you about your triggers. Your patterns. Your coping mechanisms.
It’s learning to pause and ask:
Why did that comment hit so hard?
Why am I withdrawing right now?
Why do I always need to feel in control?
Why do I shut down when I feel misunderstood?
It’s the willingness to look at your stuff — the parts of you that don’t want to be seen — and say, “Okay, it’s time.”
Here’s the thing: most people don’t decide to do inner work when everything’s going great.
We start when something feels off — when we’re:
Repeating the same arguments
Feeling misunderstood, even when we speak
Reacting in ways we don’t like but can’t seem to stop
Constantly waiting for our partner to change
Feeling emotionally disconnected — from them or ourselves
Blaming them for everything or blaming ourselves for everything
It’s not always dramatic. Sometimes, it’s just this quiet ache that says:
I don’t want to keep doing this like this anymore.
That’s your invitation.
It’s not a one-size-fits-all thing, but here are some gentle starting points that can shift everything:
When something triggers you, pause. Ask yourself: Where is this coming from? What does this remind me of?
You don’t have to solve it immediately. But noticing is powerful. It slows everything down.
Do you shut down when things get tense? Do you overexplain? Do you try to control outcomes? Do you avoid conflict altogether?
We all have patterns. The goal isn’t to shame them — it’s to understand where they came from… and decide if they still serve you.
This one’s hard. But it’s also where the healing is.
If you’re constantly “moving on” without processing, brushing things under the rug, or crying only in private — that pain stays stuck.
Start by permitting yourself to feel sad, disappointed, angry, and ashamed — without needing to justify it.
Inner work doesn’t mean you do everything alone.
Once you start seeing your patterns, bring that awareness into the relationship. Share what you’re noticing.
Say things like:
“I’m realising I shut down because I’m scared of being dismissed.”
“When I get quiet, it’s not because I don’t care — it’s because I feel overwhelmed.”
“I’m trying to unlearn some habits I picked up when I was trying to protect myself.”
These aren’t accusations. They’re invitations.
You don’t have to wait until you’re burned out, resentful, or heartbroken.
Start now. Start small. Just start.
Inner work isn’t about fixing yourself.
It’s about remembering who you are underneath all the noise, the roles, and the survival strategies.
You don’t just learn how to love each other better — you start to feel safer with each other. You:
It doesn’t make the relationship perfect. It just makes it more real — and more nourishing.
That happens more often than not. And it can feel lonely.
But when you do inner work, even on your own — things shift.
You begin to respond differently, set healthier boundaries, and see things more clearly.
And sometimes, your partner begins to mirror that effort—not always right away, but often over time.
I started noticing that my reactions weren’t about the present moment.
I was carrying hurt from years ago. From my childhood. From relationships where I didn’t feel safe.
I kept expecting my partner to fix it—to say the perfect thing, to read my mind, to never mess up.
That’s when I realised this isn’t just a “marriage issue.” This is my work to do.
When I started doing it, things softened. Without pressure or blame, he started doing it too—in his own way, in his own time.
It changed the way we spoke to each other.
The way we argued.
The way we came back together after drifting apart.
And honestly? It brought more peace into the relationship than any external “solution” ever did.
Maybe it’s your time, too.
Time to pause. Reflect. Feel. Heal.
Not to fix your partner. But to meet yourself again.
Because the truth is that your relationship can only go as deep as your self-awareness allows.
And inner work? That’s where the depth begins.
If this speaks to you, let’s talk more about it.
Feel free to reach me here.
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