How to fix a toxic relationship requires you to answer a question- what are the signs of a toxic relationship? Next, how do you know whether you are in a toxic relationship? Is it possible to fix a toxic relationship? Finally, can you heal from one?
People are becoming increasingly aware of the words ‘toxic relationship’ or ‘unhealthy relationship’. As a result, they have begun looking at the common signs of a toxic relationship and finding ways how they can heal one.
In a healthy relationship, everything just kind of works. Every conversation has its way of working itself out. Sure, there are disagreements, but partners find their way through them. They understand that small bumps are not roadblocks but opportunities to make decisions together, discuss the primary issues, and appreciate each other’s efforts in working their relationship.
However, toxic relationships are a whole different story. Such a relationship may make you feel drained or emotionally disoriented after spending time with your partner.
Also, read: When is a relationship toxic?
In unhealthy or toxic relationships, you may feel that you can no longer communicate with one another without sarcasm or yelling. When you do sit down to have a decent conversation, it often ends up either in arguments or stonewalling.
Maybe you no longer enjoy each other’s company. Perhaps you are in the marriage for the sake of kids or fear of society. Minor issues rub off on you a bit more than they should. You may avoid being face-to-face with them or not be present.
Let us explore the signs of a toxic relationship together and see if you are in one. And some guidance points if you recognise that you are in one.
Often our inability or fear of pointing out the red flags in a relationship is based on the premise that we get comfortable in the relationship. As a result, we consider them our or our partner’s fundamental nature. And at the same time, you may want something to change and improve. This brings you to notice those red flags or toxicity in yourself, your partner, or the relationship.
In toxic relationships, partners may lack interest in and support for each other’s goals and dreams. There is a lack of encouragement, faith in one another, and no sense of counting on each other. You feel you can not lean on your partner in times of need or don’t trust them to show up for you. Showing up for them becomes heavy for you.
And eventually, your spending time together doesn’t yield any positivity. Instead, you simply avoid one another due to no quality in your moments together.
A great deal of toxicity reflects in how the partners communicate with one another. They may resort to yelling, passing demeaning comments, insulting, mocking, or not communicating.
“Maybe you should try running instead of baking; it will help your weight too.”
“Did you not know my parents were coming? Why isn’t the house clean?”
“I don’t care where you were snogging all day; I want food on the table when I come home!”
“Oh, so you are paying attention to me after all. Your phone never seems to let go of your attention.”
“Cut your hair.”
“What’s the need to go out with your friends? Stay home.”
“What do you think were you doing talking to my friend like that? Don’t forget we are married.”
“Yeah, go back to your father’s; I, too, will see how he keeps you there on his two-pennies income.”
The arguments are disrespectful, hostile, and full of contempt. As a result, you may start avoiding their calls or them altogether.
A perfectly natural human emotion, jealousy, from time to time, can be healthy for a relationship. Although it works as a catalyst in bringing the partners closer, jealousy also can be fatal to the relationship if leading things to suspicion or mistrust.
Envy, another natural human emotion, can let resentment and bitterness build over the years if left unresolved.
You look at your partner’s thriving career and are proud of them. However, envy makes you want to prove your worthiness to your partner; everything becomes a competition. Not speaking about it allows it to brew to the point of prolonged guilt.
Does your partner always ask you where you are? Do they keep texting or calling you when you can’t respond at the moment? Do they tell you what to wear and whom to talk with? It may start with a speck of jealousy, but the underlying need to control is always present.
Both contribute to your relationship’s toxicity and may lead to abuse in the later years.
Whether or not you see it, the partners in a toxic relationship make futile attempts at quelling their resentment. Frustration doesn’t take long to turn into resentment or downright aversion to one another.
You may work through the grievances quietly without addressing them to your partner. Either you don’t feel safe speaking up, or you can’t trust whether your partner will listen to your concerns. In hearts filled with resentment, even a minor breach takes the form of a bigger rift.
What are the patterns of disrespect?
Following your partner’s suggestions and opinions and neglecting your needs and comfort levels is certainly a sign of toxicity.
You avoid pointing certain things at them because you don’t want an argument or a fight. Cancelling your plans with your friends because your partner wishes to stay home or your partner planning a vacation during the dates you are preparing for important exams- indicates that you are turning a blind eye to your needs and self-care.
A toxic relationship pushes you to neglect your self-care habits.
Bad behaviours gone unaddressed become deal breakers for a healthy relationship. Waiting for them to take notice of their problematic behaviour one day, giving yourself the false hope of them changing their habits or at least working towards them, and staying in a toxic relationship- all of it adds to their resentment that never resolves.
A few good do not make hundreds of bad right.
You have stopped talking with your friends or family because your partner doesn’t like them or disapproves of you spending time with them is a blaring sign of a toxic relationship. You don’t want to argue with your partner about everything; over time, you lose relationships that were important to you.
Stress not coming from outside, like job loss, illness in the family, finances, etc., can create tension in a relationship.
But finding yourself on edge more often is a crucial indicator of your relationship with your partner. Being with someone who augments the stress is mentally and physically taxing.
There is only one criterion to see the possibility- both partners are willing to change.
If only one partner is changing and silently hoping for a change in their significant other, then, unfortunately, the relationship is bound to be doomed.
An abusive relationship doesn’t need fixing. It only needs to be ended. However, healing and fixing are possible in a toxic relationship, provided both partners are willing to work on their relationship and emotional management skills.
Knowing and accepting that both partners are struggling in the relationship and willing to improve it takes courage, self-awareness, and love for one another.
You are on the right track if there is a willingness to work on the relationship. The first step towards improvement is- recognising the patterns and behaviours that have harmed the relationship.
Once you recognise those behaviours, the next step is acknowledging and taking responsibility for them.
“I realise that my behaviour with you in front of your family is not right. Things I say upset you. I am sorry. Can we work through it?”
Addressing these issues will smoothen the path of improvement, which may otherwise have led to prolonged resentment and toxicity.
You recognise where the toxicity may stem from and want to work on it. The willingness to invest will begin with communicating. Deep conversations about what works well for you as partners and individuals will give way to better understanding.
The premise of mutual understanding sets well when both partners can address their preferences without judgement, disrespect, and blaming.
As I mentioned above, conversations involving understanding, polite disagreements, and healthy boundaries will work in the relationship’s favour. Where blaming one another will set you several steps backwards, a conscious effort at understanding where the other person is coming from can be several steps forward.
No two people are the same, and no two partners will always have similar opinions about one thing. Partners can do it. From arguing or fighting over differences in opinions to being open to the differences and acknowledging them, partners allow
The answer to how to fix a toxic relationship lies in taking a little break from the situation. While you are in it, you may be personally invested in the argument. Your judgement is clouded with anger or the need to prove your point.
However, distancing yourself from the situation will help you look at things with a wider lens.
A detached view of the relationship, whatever is broken in it, or the situations causing rifts between the partners will pave the way to navigate through it all.
Take some time to cool off, return to the conversation with a clearer head, and remember that this is not a fight to win but a relationship to save and work upon.
A- Accusations
B- Blame
C- Criticism
D- Demand
Any or all of these elements in your arguments or relationship are generally responsible for a toxic relationship.
To heal from toxicity, you and your partner must communicate with three things present in your conversation:
Acknowledgement of each other’s opinions, respectful disagreement, and a willingness to understand and not teach. Please understand that partners are not pitting against one another but working towards one common goal.
One of the traits of a toxic relationship that stands out is that one or both partners struggle to be seen or heard. Either they walk on eggshells to avoid provoking the other or silence their feelings. Both lead to resentment, bottled-up anger, and possible repulsion.
Unfortunately, your partner may not even know everything inside your head.
Let them know if they say something hurtful to you or if you feel disrespected. Of course, without blaming.
If unhealthy and toxic tendencies have been building up for a long time, and problematic behaviours have become habits, seek a couples’ therapist’s help. Guidance and careful intervention can help you recognise your patterns and shift your perspective towards a better relationship with one another.
It will help couples in repairing the damage and heal together.
Compassion is the outcome of sitting together and trying to understand each other. It is possible for the couple to build toxic tendencies over time as their defence mechanism. Accusing, blaming, lack of boundaries, disrespect, etc., become routine. There may be a lot of underlying factors. To reverse the damage, begin with being compassionate towards one another.
You may find yourself questioning how you can be so-
Effective communication is the first and foremost step towards a healthier relationship. While fixing and healing a toxic relationship, partners must learn to communicate respectfully.
To fix a toxic relationship, don’t shy away from difficult conversations. Communicate without fear or hesitation in a non-accusatory tone.
Allow yourself and your partner the chance to reopen and heal the old wounds. Seek a therapist’s help if you both agree to it.
