Originally published on Medium.

For generations, women were told that marriage survives only when the woman submits. Not gently, not willingly — but completely. Submission meant silence, endurance, and carrying the emotional weight of the home without pause. It meant adjusting to the husband’s moods, tolerating disrespect, balancing everyone’s comfort above her own, and being the invisible spine of a family that rarely acknowledged her exhaustion.

This version of the submission wasn’t loved.
It wasn’t respect.
It wasn’t a partnership.

It was survival.

And today’s women know that survival is not the same as happiness.

It’s time to redefine submission in a way that honours women, strengthens marriages, and builds healthier families.

What Submission Never Was (Though We Were Told It Was Everything)

Most of us grew up seeing women submit in ways that broke them quietly:

• accepting yelling as “his stress”
• apologising for things they never did
• tiptoeing around his mood
• doing both partners’ responsibilities
• overlooking disrespect because “pati parmeshwar”
• adjusting their entire personality to keep the peace
• raising kids alone while he “provides”

Submission was treated as a wife’s duty, not a husband’s responsibility.

But none of this is submission.
This is a woman disappearing inside her own marriage.

A marriage built on fear, silence, or emotional imbalance is not a marriage — it is an endurance test.

Why This Version Failed Women (And Families Too)

1. It demanded women to shrink.

Their needs, voices, and identities were secondary. Their boundaries didn’t matter.

2. It excused men from emotional labour.

His anger was normal. Her feelings were “too much.”

3. It made women the emotional regulators of the entire house.

She adjusted. She soothed. She softened. She carried everyone’s moods.

4. It disguised neglect as tradition.

We were told this is what makes a “good wife.”

But good wives were burning out.
And good men were never taught how to truly love.

So Then — What Is Submission? Here’s the Redefined, Healthy Version

Healthy submission is not silence.
It’s not obedience.
It’s not fear.

Submission is a response — not a requirement.

A woman naturally leans into her partner when she feels safe, heard, and valued.
When she knows he is emotionally present.
When she trusts his decisions because he includes her voice.
When his leadership is not dominant, but responsible.

Submission becomes softness only when the environment is safe.

A woman submits when she:

• trusts his emotional maturity
• feels protected, not controlled
• knows her voice matters
• sees him showing up as a partner
• feels included in decisions
• knows he won’t weaponise anger or silence
• can put her guard down without fear
• gets support instead of judgment

Submission is not a woman losing power.
It is a woman resting because she finally feels safe.

A Man’s Role: If He Wants Her to Lean In, He Must Stand Up

Healthy submission is never one-sided.

Men submit too — not by losing dignity, but by opening themselves to partnership.

A man’s submission looks like:

• asking for her input
• trusting her intuition
• softening his ego
• sharing the household load
• co-parenting actively
• handling his own emotions
• apologising when needed
• communicating with clarity
• including her in decisions
• letting her lead where she’s strong

This is mutual submission — a dance, not a hierarchy.

“No woman can submit to a man she has to raise.”

If she feels like his mother, the partnership collapses.
If he steps up as a partner, submission becomes a natural, safe dynamic.

Let’s Talk About Safety — Because Submission Cannot Exist Without It

Submission is impossible when a woman is:

• scared of his anger
• unsure how he’ll react
• carrying all the responsibilities
• expected to adjust endlessly
• managing his moods
• suppressing her needs
• shrinking to avoid conflict
• exhausted beyond repair

If she cannot breathe in her own home, she cannot submit.
If she must brace herself before speaking, she cannot submit.

Submission is not captivity.
It’s not fear.
It’s not a sacrifice of self.

It is a soft leaning-in that comes from trust.

What Submission Looks Like in a Healthy Marriage

1. Shared Responsibility

Hosting guests, planning trips, parenting decisions — everything becomes teamwork.

2. Equal Voice

Her voice matters as much as his, even if their roles differ.

3. Calm, Mature Communication

No yelling.
No door slamming.
No silencing.
Hard conversations happen — but with respect.

4. Emotional Presence

He doesn’t shut down.
She doesn’t walk on eggshells.
They face things together.

5. Trust-Based Leadership

He leads where he is strong, without dismissing her strengths.
She follows when she feels safe — not coerced.

6. Softness

Submission feels like rest, not restriction.

It feels like breathing, not holding your breath.

Why Redefining Submission Matters for Modern Couples

Because women today are done with surviving.
They want connection, not duty.
Partnership, not burden.
Respect, not fear.

And men deserve better, too, because a man who learns emotional maturity becomes a better partner, father, and human being.

Healthy submission:

• deepens intimacy
• builds emotional safety
• strengthens parenting
• reduces resentment
• creates stability
• honours both partners
• ends generational trauma
• teaches children what love looks like

We are rewriting what our mothers never got to rewrite.

A New Story of Submission — For You, For Us, For Our Daughters

Submission was never meant to break women.
It was meant to build connection.

The old version failed women.
The new version empowers them.

A woman submits not because she is weaker —
But because she is safe.

Not because she has no voice —
But because her voice is respected.

Not because she must —
But because she chooses to trust.

This is the submission our generation deserves.
This is the marriage our daughters deserve to see.

If You Found This Helpful…

Share it on Instagram, send it to a friend, or talk about it with your partner.
And if you want guidance on building emotional safety, mutual respect, or healthy communication in your relationship, you can always reach me on Mindfulsome for sessions, clarity, and support.

We use the word “love” so often that it almost loses its meaning. We say we love a person, a song, a meal, a memory — and somewhere along the way, we stop asking what love actually is. What does it truly mean to love and to be loved?

The older I grow, the more I realise that understanding love begins not with defining what it is, but with identifying what it is not. Because much of what we call love often stems from fear, attachment, validation, or habit. It may look like love, feel like love, and even sound like love, but it isn’t.

What Love Is Not

1. Anything that becomes an unhealthy obsession is not love.
When you lose yourself trying to hold onto someone, when your days revolve entirely around how they make you feel or how much attention they give you, that isn’t love — that’s dependence.

2. What doesn’t feel reciprocated is not love.
If you’re the only one trying, apologising, or saving the relationship, it’s not love. Love can’t survive on one person’s effort; it requires two people choosing each other, every day.

3. What doesn’t add to your life — emotionally, mentally, or spiritually — is not love.
If the relationship drains you more than it nourishes you, if it breaks your confidence, your peace, and your spirit, it’s not love.

4. What makes you beg for crumbs of attention, affection, or intimacy is not love.
Love isn’t about earning someone’s presence. It’s about being met halfway — with care, with intention, and with respect.

5. Anything that turns you into a worse version of yourself is not love.
Love should help you become kinder, more patient, and more whole — not bitter, insecure, or anxious.

6. Anything that makes you forsake your well-wishers, your individuality, or your inner peace is not love.
It is control, manipulation, or attachment disguised as devotion.

7. A relationship that suffocates you, silences you, or makes you feel small is not love.
It may once have been passionate or exciting, but if it now leaves you walking on eggshells, it’s no longer love — it’s fear.

8. Anything that forces you to betray yourself, your needs, or your self-respect is not love.

What Love Truly Is

Love, in its truest form, makes you a better person. It inspires growth without demanding change. It brings peace without dulling passion. It encourages you to explore your individuality while still belonging to something shared and sacred.

Love makes you feel loved, respected, and wanted. It makes you feel safe — emotionally, mentally, and physically. It doesn’t confuse you or leave you guessing. Instead, it offers stability, calm, and clarity.

In real love, there is room for both “you” and “us.” It allows space for individuality without guilt, boundaries without fear, and silence without distance. There’s mutual effort, honest communication, and mindful repair after every disagreement.

True love doesn’t mean the absence of conflict — it means the presence of care. You may argue, but you won’t destroy each other in the process. You may differ, but you’ll still hold space for each other’s truth.

When there is true love, there’s no constant self-doubt, no emotional chaos, and no power struggle. There’s trust, consistency, and peace. There’s effort that feels natural — not forced.

Love is not about grand gestures; it’s about daily respect. It’s not about butterflies; it’s about balance. It’s not about losing yourself; it’s about finding yourself again, this time more whole, more grounded, and more alive.

Redefining Love

Maybe it’s time we stop romanticising the kind of love that hurts, confuses, or consumes us. Maybe it’s time we stop mistaking attachment for depth, and chaos for chemistry.

Because love — real love — doesn’t demand that you give up your self-respect to keep the peace. It doesn’t make you choose between your heart and your dignity. It doesn’t drain your energy; it refuels it.

True love makes you feel more at home within yourself. It allows you to breathe easier, laugh louder, and live better.

So, if something doesn’t bring peace, stability, and security into your life, it’s not love — no matter how much you want it to be.

Love, when it’s right, won’t make you question yourself. It will remind you of who you are.

So, let’s talk about the real stuff—the emotional and practical reasons why your marriage might feel like it’s running on autopilot. And more importantly, let’s talk about what you can actually do.

Why Your Marriage Really Feels Stale

Here are some things you might not admit out loud—but they’re probably closer to the truth than you’d like to believe:

• You suspect (or know) there’s someone else involved—emotionally, physically, or even just in your partner’s mind.

• Your partner (or you) may have realized a shift in sexual orientation, and the marriage no longer aligns with who they truly are.

• Children and childcare have consumed your time and energy to the point where there’s nothing left for each other.

• The distribution of chores and responsibilities feels uneven, breeding resentment.

• Too much time has passed without honest communication, and now the idea of reconnecting feels awkward or even impossible.

• Therapy has never been an option, due to stigma, denial, or just lack of access.

• You’re living under financial stress, and romance doesn’t feel like a priority.

• Your in-laws interfere, or there’s ongoing family pressure that forces you both into roles you resent.
• It is a sexless marriage with no return.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not broken—you’re human. But now comes the real question…

Is There a Way Back?

Yes—but not in the way you think.

This isn’t about a sexy weekend getaway or a bottle of wine and candles. Those are temporary distractions. Instead, you need a reset—not just in your relationship, but in how you both show up.

Also Read: Enhancing Emotional Intelligence in Relationships

Here are practical, no-textbook strategies that work in real life:

1. Call It Out, Compassionately

Say what hasn’t been said. Name the distance. Don’t accuse, don’t guilt-trip—just get real. Something like:

“I feel like we’ve been roommates lately. And I miss being us. Can we talk about what’s changed?”

2. Find Out What You’re Both Still In It For

This is tough, but important. Ask each other: Why are we still doing this? If the answer is “for the kids” or “because we have a mortgage,” then it’s time for a deeper reckoning.

3. Outsource the Stuckness

You don’t need to figure it out alone. And therapy isn’t the only answer. A marriage coach, mentor, or even a neutral third party can help you navigate the storm with structure.

4. Rebuild from Shared Wins, Not Fantasy

Forget trying to recreate the honeymoon phase. That’s gone. Instead, look for small shared wins—maybe you’re both good parents, or you handle a crisis well together. Start there.

5. Own Your Side of the Street

It’s not about blame—it’s about responsibility. What have you stopped doing, out of frustration, fear, or fatigue? And what are you willing to start doing, even if it’s uncomfortable?

What If You’re Just Not Compatible Anymore?

That’s okay too. Not every marriage is meant to last forever. If this journey leads to clarity that the spark can’t come back—it’s not failure. It’s honesty.

But before you throw in the towel, ask yourself: Have we really tried the right things? Or just the easy things?

Also Read: How to manage stress as a couple

Book a No-Pressure Intro Call

Sometimes, all it takes is an outside perspective to help you see the possibilities—or the truth you’re avoiding.

👉 Book an introductory call with me here — Let’s talk about where you’re really at, what you want, and how to either rebuild your marriage with honesty, or navigate it with dignity.

You don’t need fluffy advice. You need something that actually works.

Let’s get to it.

Good Conversation Starters with a Girl

Starting a conversation with a girl can feel like walking a tightrope — you don’t want to come off as boring, awkward, or worse… creepy.

That’s why I created this list of good conversation starters with a girl — not cringey lines or recycled small talk, but thoughtful, respectful openers that actually invite connection.

These conversation starters are designed to spark curiosity, build safety, and go beyond the usual “wyd” or one-word replies.

Let’s dive in :

The Psychology of a Great Opener

Before we start throwing phrases around, understand this:
The best conversations aren’t clever — they’re curious.

A good opener does 3 things:

• Feels natural

• Shows respect and emotional intelligence

• Invites her to share something real

21 Good Conversation Starters With a Girl That Actually Work

Safe, Easy, Casual (Icebreakers)

1. “Hey, what’s been the highlight of your week so far?”

2. “Random question: What’s your favorite way to relax when you need a mental reset?”

3. “Do you believe in zodiac signs… or just read them for fun?”

4. “What’s one song that always boosts your mood?”

5. “What’s something small that made you smile today?”

Connection-Oriented (Depth without Intensity)

6. “What’s something you’re really passionate about, but rarely talk about?”

7. “If you could press pause on life and spend a month anywhere doing anything — where would you go?”

8. “Is there something you’ve always wanted to learn, but never had the chance?”

9. “What’s your go-to comfort movie or show?”

10. “Who inspires you the most — and why?”

Intellectually Curious

11. “What’s a book or podcast that really changed how you see things?”

12. “What topic could you talk about for hours?”

13. “If you had to give a TED Talk on something random, what would it be?”

14. “What’s one unpopular opinion you totally stand by?”

15. “Do you think people are more emotionally connected or more distant today — why?”

Fun & Playful

16. “Would you rather fight 1 horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?”

17. “You just won a lifetime supply of something. What do you hope it is?”

18. “If your life had a theme song right now, what would it be?”

19. “Are you more chaotic-good or calm-chaotic?”

20. “Which fictional character would definitely be your best friend?”

For When There’s Vibe (Soft Flirty)

21. “What’s something someone did for you once that made you feel really seen?”
    (Emotional and charming, not invasive.)

Suggested Reading: How to flirt with a guy

Bonus Tips: How to Use These Naturally

• Don’t rapid-fire through them like a checklist. Let one flow into a real conversation.

• Be present. Ask follow-ups based on what she says.

• Don’t fear pauses — they can build comfort.

• Listen with the intent to understand, not to impress or to reply.

What NOT to Do:

• Overly personal too fast: “Why did your last relationship end?”
• Flirty disguised as creepy: “What are you wearing right now?”
• Generic/forgettable: “Hey” / “Sup” / “You’re cute”

Instead, go for specific + thoughtful = standout.

Suggested Reading: Dirty Talks for a Long Distance Relationship

Final Thoughts: Connection Over Cleverness

You don’t need to be the smoothest talker in the room.
You just need to be the most genuine one.

Whether it’s your first message on a dating app or a first date over coffee — these starters aren’t about words… they’re about warmth.

You’re not starting a conversation. You’re opening a door.

Want More?

If you’re working on how to deepen your connections or feel more confident in conversations — check out my free guide:
“The Guide to Better Communication” – Download Here!

You’ve likely heard this phrase: “I don’t need anyone.”
At first, it sounds like power. Control. Even peace.
But what if that independence is actually shielding pain?

Our society often praises hyper independence. But beneath it, there’s frequently an emotional wound—a survival response dressed as self-sufficiency.

In this article, we’ll explore what hyper-independence really is, where it comes from, and how to shift from survival to connection — without losing your power.

What is Hyper Independence?

Hyper independence is the compulsive need to rely only on oneself — emotionally, financially, physically — even when support is available and healthy.

It’s not just confidence or autonomy. It’s:

• Turning down help, even when overwhelmed

• Struggling to be vulnerable or ask for what you need

• Feeling guilty or weak for depending on others

• Believing people are unreliable or unsafe

Why Hyper Independence Is a Trauma Response

In many cases, hyper-independence doesn’t emerge from strength — it grows out of betrayal, neglect, or emotional abandonment.

“I learned I couldn’t count on anyone, so I stopped trying.”
– A client in coaching

When trust is broken in early life (especially childhood), our nervous system adapts by building walls instead of bridges. Hyper-independence becomes a protective response to avoid being hurt, disappointed, or rejected again.

This is why it’s considered a trauma response — the body and mind are doing whatever it takes to feel safe.

Signs You Might Be Hyper-Independent

• You feel safer alone than with others

• You pride yourself on not needing anyone

• You overextend yourself instead of asking for help

• You feel vulnerable or ashamed when someone helps you

• You believe emotional closeness leads to disappointment

• You end relationships as soon as you feel “too seen”

If this resonates, you’re not broken. You’re protective. And that makes sense.

Healing the Hyper-Independent Mindset

1. Understand the Origin Without Blame
Hyper-independence served you. It kept you safe. The first step is acknowledging it without shame.

2. Practice Micro-Dependence
Start with small asks. Let a friend pick up coffee. Share how you really feel without fixing it immediately.

3. Redefine Strength
Strength isn’t isolation — it’s having the courage to trust again. Vulnerability isn’t weakness, it’s emotional intelligence.

4. Therapy or Coaching Support
Sometimes hyper-independence is deeply rooted in attachment wounds or complex PTSD. Working with a trauma-aware coach (like myself!) can help safely unpack the past and build healthier frameworks.

In Relationships

Romantic partnerships are particularly triggering for hyper-independent people. Why?

Because closeness = risk.

You might:

• Shut down during conflict

• Feel uncomfortable when your partner is “too kind”

• Struggle to receive love without suspicion

• Sabotage stability to regain control

The antidote? Slow trust.
Open dialogue. Gentle repair. Self-soothing + co-regulation.

Final Thoughts: Independence Is Beautiful — But Isolation Isn’t

Hyper-independence is your body’s way of protecting you. But healing doesn’t mean giving up strength — it means learning how to be held and whole.

Let people love you, their support soften you, and your healing be relational.

Because needing others… doesn’t make you weak.
It makes you human.

Want to Go Deeper?

Check out my free guide:

“The Guide to Better Communication”

A toolkit for building trust, emotional safety, and connection — especially for people healing from hyper-independence.

Let’s talk

Book an introductory call with me and let’s talk it all out.

At some point in most relationships, people pull back. Maybe they need space to think, to cool down, or to avoid saying something they’ll regret. That’s normal.

But what happens when that silence lasts for days? When does it become a tool to punish or control? When your presence is met with cold shoulders and blank stares?

If you’re asking yourself, “Is the silent treatment abuse?”—you’re likely feeling confused, hurt, and emotionally alone. And you deserve clarity.

Suggested Reading: Stonewalling in a relationship- Emotional effects of Stonewalling

What Is the Silent Treatment, Really?

The silent treatment isn’t just “taking space.” It’s the intentional refusal to communicate—not to de-escalate a conflict, but to control it. It might look like:

• Ignoring messages or calls

• Refusing to acknowledge someone’s presence

• Giving curt one-word replies, or none at all

• Withdrawing affection or attention as punishment

It can last hours, days, or even weeks—and for the person on the receiving end, it often feels like walking on emotional eggshells.

Is the Silent Treatment Abuse?

Yes, the silent treatment can absolutely be a form of emotional abuse.
While not every instance qualifies as abusive, the pattern and intent behind it matter.

When silence is used to manipulate, shame, or isolate someone, it crosses the line. Here’s how:

• It creates deep emotional distress and confusion

• It reinforces power imbalances in the relationship

• It punishes without explanation or resolution

• It slowly chips away at a person’s self-worth and confidence

Many people don’t realize how damaging it is—because silence is subtle. But that’s what makes it so harmful.

Why the Silent Treatment Can Be So Destructive

Emotional abuse doesn’t always come in raised voices or cruel words. Sometimes, it’s the absence of words that hurts the most.

Research shows that being ignored lights up the same part of the brain as physical pain. That means silence isn’t just cold—it’s neurologically painful.

Over time, the silent treatment can leave someone feeling:

• Anxious or hypervigilant

• Rejected, invisible, or unlovable

• Uncertain about what they did wrong

• Afraid to speak up or express emotion

The longer it continues, the more likely it is that the person being shut out begins to question their own value.

Taking Space vs. Silent Treatment: There’s a Big Difference

Let’s be clear: taking space is healthy. We all need time to process or decompress, especially during conflict. But here’s the difference:

• Taking space: “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need an hour to cool off, and then I’d like to talk.”

• Silent treatment: Days of cold silence, no explanation, and no clear way to reconnect.

One approach fosters growth and mutual understanding. The other shuts it down entirely.

Suggested Reading: 8 Signs You’re being Exploited in a Romantic Relationship

How to Respond If You’re on the Receiving End

If someone in your life regularly gives you the silent treatment during conflict—or as a way to “teach you a lesson”—you may feel powerless. But you are not.

Here are a few ways to protect your emotional well-being:

1. Recognize It for What It Is

Don’t gaslight yourself. If it feels like punishment or control, trust your instincts.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

You have the right to say, “I’m open to healthy communication, but I won’t accept being shut out.”

3. Don’t Chase or Beg

It’s natural to want resolution—but trying to “earn” someone’s attention only reinforces their control.

4. Get Support

Talk to a therapist, a coach, or someone you trust. Abuse thrives in silence; your healing begins when you speak your truth.

5. Look at the Bigger Pattern

Is this behavior part of a larger dynamic of emotional manipulation or neglect? If so, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship’s health.

Final Thoughts: Is the Silent Treatment Abuse?

If silence is being used as a weapon—then yes, the silent treatment is emotional abuse.

No one deserves to be emotionally starved, dismissed, or made to feel small. Healthy relationships are built on communication, respect, and repair—not punishment.

If you’re in a relationship where silent treatment is a regular tool, know this: you are not too sensitive, too needy, or too much.
You are simply a human being longing for connection—and you deserve to be treated with care.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is the silent treatment emotional abuse?

Yes, especially when it’s used to hurt, control, or isolate someone. It’s a form of emotional manipulation.

Why is the silent treatment abusive?

It causes psychological harm, triggers anxiety and rejection, and removes emotional safety from the relationship.

How can I tell the difference between taking space and silent treatment?

Healthy space involves communication and reconnection. Silent treatment involves avoidance, punishment, and often emotional withdrawal.

What should I do if I’m getting the silent treatment?

Set boundaries, seek emotional support, and assess whether this is a consistent pattern in your relationship. Therapy or coaching can help you process and plan your next steps.